How Are You Doing?

After conveying a message from hospice to my co-worker she asked how I was doing. She said I was very matter of fact in everything and that I didn't have to play the tough cookie to her, that I could cry if I needed to. Her words sunk in as I stepped outside for a moment. How AM I doing?

I guess I've always been the strong one for my family and perhaps that means putting my own feelings on hold for the time being. I've never really thought about it that way but then again I don't know how else to react to things. Goose is in her final days. Her organs are shutting down and yes, although these are all matter of fact statements, I don't think I can change my mindset right now. No matter how much I prepare for this, I will never be ready. Chad and I are probably closer to Goose than we are to our own mother so this time is the roughest thing I know I'll go through. I just want to hug her and hold her and kiss her as many times as I can while she is alive. Maybe avoiding the emotional part of things is keeping me composed in the interim while I have to work and be the Relief Society president., I honestly don't know. I'm more than grateful that she had a good day yesterday while Chad was there. I'm grateful that Colton was able to see her and kiss her and to know the excitement that those brief moments brought to her face and heart.

My heart sinks as I know there's going to be a time when I say, "I love you," and she doesn't chime in, "a bushel and a peck," as I finish with, "and a hug around the neck."