Heavy Heart.

I write this post with a heavy heart but know that it is only temporary. Let me take you back to this weekend. I had a Catholic baptism that I shot for my friend on Saturday and afterwards headed home to Orange County. Mom had mentioned she had this prayer box that she made right next to her bed and that if I had any prayer requests, I should put them in there. On Sunday morning I was getting ready for church while she was already at her church and just felt the urge to open the box and read her prayers that were already in there. It wasn't with surprise that I read her prayer request, in fact, I knew that would be just what was in there. Nonetheless, it was sad to actually read it. I suppose sometimes you wish that your expectations or assumptions wold be wrong. Enclosed was a note that read the following:



I contemplated how I would address this, what I would say, would I not say anything at all? It weighed heavy on my heart however to say something, to address it with an honest heart and with love. I asked my friend Cait, what I should say, that I was having a hard time putting everything to words and she said, just be honest. That was great advice and I was able to write a very beautiful letter that expressed how I felt and what the church means to me:

I have been thinking a lot lately about things you have said and things that you feel regarding me and my choice to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I want you to know that I am writing this email with love and it is not my intent to upset you or make you mad. I know that it bothers you, weighs heavy on your heart, but you have never told me why you feel the way that you do. You have mentioned that you feel that I have been brainwashed but I my question again is what would make you think that or give you that impression? I am not trying to be rude or condescending, I honestly want to know if you feel I have changed as a person or as your daughter? Do I act different towards you? I ask these questions because something is making you feel so strongly against me and my decision and if it is based on real evidence and knowledge of how I am acting or treating you, I want to know. If it based on something you have read or seen against the church, then I want to tell you that it's not fair to believe those things if you have witnessed for yourself that I am a good person, that I treat my family with love and respect and that although you may not understand the church, that from the times you have been there, you have seen and heard us sing about and talk about the Savior. It makes me sad because from the beginning you have told me that I was going to push you away or that I would find a new family within the church, because you have read things that pertain to that, but I honestly feel that because you have that mindset, you are the one that pushes me away because you are expecting me to be like all of the things you have read. I don't want another family, I love you and everyone else in my family.

You have said before that we have different Gods, that couldn't be further from the truth. I believe in the same true and living God that created this earth, that sent his only begotten son to establish a church, call 12 apostles, walk amongst us, and die for our sins. Mormonism may be foreign to you and I completely respect that. You may not believe that there is a current prophet on the earth today, or believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, but even so, even if what I believed was wrong, that prophet on the earth today only testifies of Heavenly Father. He doesn't tell us to do crazy religious ceremonies or worship other beings. I guess my request is that you respect my choice to be a member of this church as I respect and love you for not being one. I love you more than anything and I know that you want my best interest but I promise you, no one is brainwashing me, these are my true feelings and although I can tell you until I am blue in the face, why I believe the things I believe, I can only lead by example. I remember writing you a letter the day I was baptized with that same message, that I could tell you, but you would have to see to know. I don't feel that any of your assumptions about the church or about how I am going to act or not act are true. We can both argue back and forth about it but we really have to look at what we know from experience, not what another person tells us to believe. I am not sure what you have read or saw, but I do know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that my Savior died for my sins and that I live each day as a witness of his love. My decision to go through the temple recently was of my own choice, no one coerced or made me do that. Contrary to whatever anyone has said, the temple is about the Savior, about Adam and Eve, there is nothing inside the temple about Joseph Smith, I do not worship Joseph Smith, I love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I do respect and honor Joseph Smith as a prophet for what he has done, but I do not worship him.

Yes, temple work is about doing work for those that have passed, but how awesome is that? No one is forced to believe or accept the Savior but we know that to enter heaven we must be baptized by the correct authority through immersion. People on this earth that die without having the opportunity to accept the gospel or know Jesus Christ should not and are not lost causes. We don't just die and that is that. In heaven we continue to learn and grow. If baptism by immersion is required in order to enter heaven, how can a dead person be baptized without a body? That is what temple work is about, we do the work for those on the other side. Sure that may seem odd or different but that doesn't mean we are a cult or doing anything wrong. We spend numerous hours, dedicating time to help others.

You may not know this but for a while, after I joined the church, I struggled with things. I guess I thought being obedient, reading, praying, obeying the commandments, meant I would have all these great blessings, I would get married and have kids and when that didn't happen, I was sad. I tend to forget that things happen on God's terms and just because they don't happen when we want, doesn't mean we stop following or obeying our Heavenly Father. Well, I stopped reading my scriptures, which is the same bible that you read, you can look at my scriptures and compare them to yours. Yes, Joseph Smith has interpretations of scriptures but they are not within the actual text, they are in another place in the back of the scriptures. I stopped praying and I was in a really sad state, and was not doing things I should have been doing. It took stumbling for me to realize how confident I am about my membership in the church and how grateful I am for the fulness of the gospel. I forgot my worth as a daughter of God and tried to fix my unhappiness with instant gratification. That may not make sense to you but it's all within the bible how we are expected to live our lives. Sadly, most everyone chooses to only take bits and pieces of scripture that they want to apply to their life and obey and disregard everything else. It may seem weird, or abnormal, but that is not the life I want to live.

I am sorry that you feel so strongly against the church. I know you have claimed there is no evidence but I am not sure what type of evidence you are searching for. Every time that I ask you to tell me what you disapprove of or why you are against the church, I don't feel like there is ever a straight answer. I am not mad or upset, I just want to know why you feel the way you do and there may not be an answer to that. I do respect you and know that you love me but I ask the same from you. I am still your daughter, I am still Nicole Priest. Sure, I have grown spiritually and my understanding of my Heavenly Father and Savior has grown, but what is the harm in that? You know me, you know I am a strong person, you know I wouldn't just do something or be someone that I do not fully believe in. I obey the commandments, I read the scriptures, I pray to my Heavenly Father, the same Heavenly Father that you pray to, this is something you really need to understand. You can believe the things that you read, I can't force you otherwise, but I really do ask that you just take a moment and ponder me and who I am and what I am telling you I believe. I would have no reason to lie or tell you something that wasn't true.

I love you and I hope you see and understand that and don't take this email to be rude or mean or me trying to impose my beliefs on you.

Endowed :)

Saturday was my BIG day, that I was honored and grateful to receive my endowments and go through the temple.  I felt like it was my wedding day, a day that I had planned for quite some time and then finally it was here.  I picked up Cait on Friday night from LAX and we stopped by a party and then headed home for our exciting Saturday.  We decided we were going to have an awesome breakfast so we walked to this amazing little spot called Square One.

Yummy french toast! Second to Sara Beth's in New York.  The interesting part of breakfast was that the patio stares right at the Scientology building.  We were able to have some fun people watching time and get to know, what we felt, a great deal about their wardrobe and religion.  Not going to lie, it was quite odd.  We walked back to the house, went thrift store shopping, bought some cute dresses, headed back home and got ready for the temple.  Halfway through getting ready I looked at Cait and asked her what time it was, she responded, "Time to go." I grabbed my makeup bag, shoes, and purse and we left only to arrive at the temple at exactly 12:00.  I realized I didn't have my camera so Cait, the doll that she is, went home and grabbed it for me while I headed inside to meet Sister Beckstead, my favorite and honored escort.  I don't think I ever stopped smiling from entering the temple to leaving that night. It was a very emotional (happy emotional) day for me. Brother Castleton said to me at the end, "There is nothing greater than how big your smile is right now." I am not going to talk about what happened in the temple because it is sacred and personal but I can tell you that the feelings I felt within those walls were so peaceful.  I could feel the immense love of my Heavenly Father and although it will take a lifetime to understand, things began to click. I couldn't have been more blessed with the people that were there to support me.

• From my childhood (grew up on the same street as me) Brother and Sister Castleton. 
• From Junior High (but I don't remember him then) Jason Ohlwiler
• From 2008 when I first joined the church in Mission Viejo, my first bishop and his amazing wife who was my escort; the Beckstead's
• From Washington, my best friend Cait Hennessey
• From my days in Anaheim, my roommate Shawn Gleason and her boyfriend!
• From my current ward; Bishop Tomas
• ... and my new found good girlfriends in the ward, Karen Sorenson and Caitlin Fitzgibbons.

Although this was my first time, I do know from what others said, my session was very packed! Brother Castleton said, "When it comes to Nicole, she always does it up big!" I did not know the majority of people in that amazing building, but the ones that were there for me, I will cherish and always remember. Now, you can pretend you were there through my pictures!

Everyone

The Castleton's

Sister Beckstead (I love this picture)

The Beckstead's

Bishop, Me, Sister Beckstead, Cait, and Jason

Karen and Caitlin

My message from Heavenly Father

Celebration at BJs

The new and improved Nicole :)

Dad.

I rarely talk to my dad, horrible I know.  My dad is not one of many words.  In fact, there have been times where I have flown to see him and he just sits there and doesn't know what to do with me.  I love him more than anything, I just don't think he knows how to bond with a girl.  We seem to send text messages every few weeks to say hello and tell each other that we are thinking of one another and make sure everything is ok.  When we do talk on the phone it doesn't last for long... that is of course until tonight. Dad sent me a text about buying a Rosetta stone to learn French.  He thought he would share that with his "world traveler." I started to ask him some questions and like we all should do, he decided to pick up the phone and call rather than have a full blown conversation in text!

It was really nice to have that conversation with my dad, makes me kick myself for not picking the phone up more often.  We tend to be so busy with our lives that it's always a rushed conversation when it happens, not tonight! I learned a lot about my daddy in that 30 minute phone call and he ended with some amazing input telling me that I am not like him of all his kids.  That my brother may look the most like him but that I am fearless and will do anything, that he noticed that about me and that he wanted me to know that. I take that as a compliment.  I love being like my dad.

But I Want it Now.

Patience has never been a virtue of mine and it is one that I refuse to pray for because I know how Heavenly Father works :)  In all reality however, I am slightly good at waiting and being patient but for now, I can't wait for Saturday and I would say that it is a wonderful thing to be impatient about! I am getting endowed on Saturday.  For those of you in the Blogger world or friends that may not know what this means, as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints there are certain ordinances that take place in the temples.  Some of these ordinances include, marriages, baptisms for the dead (as mentioned by Paul in 1 Corinthians 15:29, washings and anointings (mentioned in the book of Exodus) and the Endowment.  The endowment is an ordinance in which member of the Church are taught about the gospel and make covenants to live more righteous lives.  As we are endowed, we also receive garments, a constant reminder of the covenants that you have made in the temple. I am seriously sooo stoked to go through the temple on Saturday! If that wasn't exciting enough, my best friend in the entire world, Cait, is flying in from Washington to be there for me.

Now that you have that background, I received a call last night from the Stake President's secretary asking if I would give the opening prayer in the chapel within the temple next Thursday, February 16. I feel so honored that they would ask me this.  I am seriously overwhelmed with gratitude for the many blessings of the temple and everything that surrounds it. As I see so many people struggling in the world, it makes me hurt that they either don't have the opportunity to, or reject, the great blessings of the fullness of the gospel. So many people tend to think that Church Members (aka Mormons) are weird, or odd, they can't do this, they can't do that, but really it's not about can's and cant's, it's about obedience and how much we desire to be happy.  Our Heavenly Father wants to bless us with so much, it's like a giant gift just sitting there waiting to be unwrapped, all we have to do is walk over and receive it.

Pick up your feet!

My work caters lunch every day so on my lunch break, there is no need to actually eat.  Four out of five days in the week, I walk over to the mall to people watch, look at clothes, and get some fresh air.  I walked into H&M to view some things when all the sudden I hear feet, dragging, constantly. I look at this girl and say, "Pick up your fee."  You may think I am kidding, I am not.  She continues.  I couldn't even concentrate or think about the clothes that were right in front of me because she was being so obnoxious.  Who is that lazy that they can't pick up their feet when they walk?! She was so annoying that I actually put the shirt I had in hand down and left the store.

I made my way around the different stores depressed to see there is absolutely NO fashion right now.  We are in that awkward time of year, getting rid of winter clothes and bringing on the joys of summer but what I don't get is why everything has to look the same. Every shirt, every dress, nothing is original anymore.  I decided to live on the edge and venture in to Bloomingdale's, a store I have never been in before because I don't think it's smart to spend more than $50.00 on a shirt. Everything in there, just as ugly as all the other cheaper stores only $300.00. 

I decided to head back to work, a shopping trip has never been so depressing, not even anything I would put on a wishlist.  So depressed I walked right in to Yogurtland, where their menu always has something in style and just right. 

Sallie Says.

Sometimes I am convinced that the world is out to get me; cue pity party and the tiniest violin.  It really baffles me why people do so much to make other's lives harder. Although this could entail many things and many people, the subject of this post is Sallie Mae. I am in school. I have been in school since 2010. I have never stopped being in school since I enrolled.  There is a school clearinghouse that is IN existence for the sole purpose to inform loan companies that you are in fact attending school. Without fail, every 6 weeks, Sallie Mae begins calling, not just me, but my mother.  They call at 8 am on Saturday and Sunday and call until 9pm at night. They are ruthless. I have called them and said, "Hey look, I am in school." These little boogers however do not care.  It is like they feed off of calling people at all hours of the day for no reason. Today I call them up and inform them, "Peeps, I am in school, I have been in school since 2010, please register it." "Well, were you in school on December 22?" "I am sorry, did you not understand my previous statement, I am in school, I have been in school since 2010, that includes December 22, 2011."  I then had to fill out an in-school deferment form, yet again, fax to my school, yet again, and have them fax to Sallie Mae. The lady threatened me to be turned over to collections! You do that lady, I double doggie dare you, I am NOT LATE, I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN TO PAY YOU, I AM IN SCHOOL.

The end.

Wicked.

About a month ago my wonderful friend Kat had asked if I was interested in seeing the show, so we decided to take the hefty ticket plunge and see it. I have seen it a few times before and I absolutely love it, so there really wasn't much thought that went into my decision.  Last week, my beautiful friend Marissa, called me up to let me know our friend Kevin from high school was IN Wicked and asked if I wanted to go up on Wednesday (yesterday) and see the show and have dinner with them. Duh.

I got off work a little early so I could meet them over around 5:30. We all had dinner together and some little neighborhood grill, met Neil Labute, who is a pretty well to do play writer but somewhat of a weird individual, and headed back over for the show. After the show Kevin put us on a list, we felt important, and we got to go backstage, see all of the set, the extravagant costumes, and learn a little bit more about the play. They transport the ENTIRE stage in semi-trucks. Fun. I am excited to go back on Saturday and see Kevin work his magic on the stage yet again.

1:23

For the past three nights I have been waking up around 1:23 and I can't fall back asleep, it is incredibly annoying. I fall asleep at a reasonable time, am asleep for a few hours and then it is like this internal clock that goes off and tells me I NEED to be awake, I need to spend worthless time browsing the Facebook news feed and playing Words with Friends, because at that hour, there is nothing else to do! When I finally fall back asleep, my real alarm goes off and it is time for work and that my friends is the story of my life.

but...

Prior to falling asleep last night, I met with the Stake President and he gave me the green light on getting endowed on February 11. I was excited before but now that I have the official ok and my recommend, I am ecstatic. I went over to the bishop to give him my thumbs up and I told him I wanted to celebrate with pizza. The whole bishopric was in there as well as my friend Brian and they made a joke about me ordering a few extra for them. I was in the giving spirit so I went over to a local pizzeria and came back with two celebration pizzas!

Best friend flies in town in 16 days!

"Just a Small Scratch"

Saturday night was one of the most amazing weddings I have ever been too, it wasn't the location, or the food, or even the amazing cake, rather it was the love between Jon and Melinda that just couldn't be denied.  It was at the Marriott in Marina Del Rey- on top of the helicopter pad, totally awesome! (you can find the photos on my photography blog http://npriestphotography.blogspot.com/)

Anyway- while leaving the hotel at 3 am, I get my car back looking like this:

Upset because that obviously wasn't the way I turned my car IN to the valet, I wanted something taken care of and quick. I have never, EVER, in my entire life, experienced such rudeness and tackiness at a hotel.  Although Marriott claims they are a separate entity than the valet, that valet sets an image for their hotel.  The valet denied all claims, said my car was damaged when it came in and then in the claim description for wrote: Just a small scratch, told my brother to "eff off" when he asked to see the cameras, and had pure incompetence from the manager on duty. 

After calling the parking manager for 2 days, leaving 3 messages with no return, I decided to call the manager of Marriott to track down this guy Aidan who is supposed to be contacting me regarding my car.  Once he finally contacted me, he stated they did not do the damage, the camera shows that my car came in with the damage. Of course I asked for screen shots of the video (since I couldn't just get to Marina Del Rey that fast)  and the photos looked edited.  I replied asking to see the actual photos of me walking OUT of the car, to which he sent and there was nothing on my car but a reflection. 

and my favorite photo of the hour is my expression when I saw my car: 

I understand accidents happen, but own up! He then stated that he would go ahead and agree that my experience had been tacky, but they would not admit to the damage.  Well Mr. Aidan, I just sent all your photos and a 9 page letter to Corporate Marriott, take that and perhaps even your loss of a job you little stinker!

February.

It's not just a month for Groundhogs Day and Valentine's Day, but a month that I am going to remember forever because it is going to be THAT awesome.  Let me give you a little back story so you can be just as excited as I am about this upcoming month! About a month ago I was meeting with my bishop to renew my regular temple recommend when he said, "When do you want to get endowed?" (I had wanted to get endowed at my year mark but the Stake President at the time told me I was ready but it wasn't the time.  I hadn't even thought about it since that day in 2009.) "When I get married." The bishop looked at me and said, let me rephrase the question, "When do you want to get endowed?"

I know well enough that when something is said more than once, it is something to consider. I went home and prayed, and went to the temple and prayed and went back to the bishop the following week. "Bishop, I am ready to get endowed!" His smile said it all.  Now, my best friend Cait, who has been beside me every step of the way since 2008, was more than thrilled about this decision and wanted to be there to support me. Cait lives in Spokane, so we decided the best weekend for her to get down here is February 11. I am so excited that she will be here, that she will be a part of this very important day for me.

January isn't over, and it isn't too shabby either. I am going to see Wicked twice next week! (I kind of like this play) A friend from high school is in it so my other friend Marissa is coming up and we are going on Wednesday and then I am going again on Saturday with my friend Kat! These next few months are going to fly by and before I know it, I will be in Barcelona speaking spanglish.

Barcelona!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, I am excited, but can you blame me?! In less than 2 months I will be in Barcelona- trotting along for my 2012 European trip.  In 2010 I stepped out of the country for the first time (Germany and France), 2011 I went to London, Scotland, and Ireland and now, Barcelona! I have always wanted to go to Spain so I am excited to get this place checked off on my to-do list.

I am not sure what I am going to do- I have a few months to plan that, but I do know I am leaving LAX at 8:45pm on Friday March 9 and flying into Barcelona. On March 20- I am flying out of San Sebastian and into LAX. The weather may not be perfect but I am going to make my time there perfect! Beaches, food, arts, people! I love traveling!

Eternal Families.

There is never really anything good to say when someone passes away- there is no words or condolence that is going to bring that person back so it is always rough trying to figure out what to say or do. As I sat in the funeral for my aunt I constantly thought about how grateful I am to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, that I KNOW where I am going and that I WILL see my family, that they all have the opportunity to come unto Christ, even after death. I also sat in excitement. I am pulling out my endowments in less than a month and I cannot wait to serve those that have passed on, those that haven't had the opportunity to receive the blessings of the fullness of the gospel. As everyone was being sad, I got this glimmer of happiness because I know what is in store for her, I know the blessings that she can be a part of and I am so incredibly grateful for this gospel that I know is pure truth.

Too Late.

Would have, could have, should have.

My aunt passed away on Saturday around 10:30pm and of course a state of shock set in, followed by doubt, and then sadness.  Memories run through your mind as you come to grasp that they are in fact gone. I decided to go through pictures throughout the years and put them together because I knew they would be desired for the funeral service or at least after.  In my mind I had loads of them but when I sat down to get pictures, I noticed there weren't really that many after all. I had only taken one picture of her at Christmas, ONE. It suddenly hit me how precious and valuable pictures really are and how excited I am to be involved in photography. People would stop and reconsider spending money on a photographer because it is not in their budget but once people aren't around to take pictures, all they do is wish they had taken more pictures. I am making it a point to take pictures at every family gathering- even if people don't want them taken, I want them, and I am selfish :)

Captain of your Ship; Master of your Destiny.

With it being the new year and of course new resolutions and goals, this quote really got me to think about things.

No one else can live your life.  You are the Captain of your ship; the Master of your destiny.  Before you set sail, be sure you know where you are heading. Plot your course accordingly, even if you can't see it, it is there just on the horizon.  Even when you have no energy for things, you have energy... you cannot not have it, you would be dead otherwise.  Perhaps you are already dead... dead to the old way of being you, and if this is so, say "goodbye" and dream a new dream, a new life.  For after all, no one else can dream your dream, or live your life.  It is in your hands... so go now, go grab it with a blind faith in yourself that all will be well.

A lot of the time people, myself included, think that someone or something can make their life better.  If I could just have this... things would be better.  As awesome as that would be to have everything fixed by something or someone, we need to fix ourselves and make our own changes or as soon as that something or someone is gone from our lives, we will be right back where we started with the same issues and the same problems. Makes me think of why Heavenly Father should be number one in our lives.  A lot of people may disagree and say, no, your spouse should be number one.  The thing is, people will fail you, there will be times when they don't meet our expectations, or hurt us more than imaged but our Heavenly Father is a constant in our lives and will always be there for us, he will never fail us. I guess what I am getting at, is make your own goals, have your own dreams, that doesn't mean they can't include other people, but don't depend on someone else to make your success or be your happiness.

Princess.

The other day I heard that a "friend" was talking about me behind my back, something I have never been a fan of.  As much as it sucks to hear things you don't necessarily want to hear, or think you need to hear, I would rather hear them directly to my face,  than through a grapevine.  At any rate, I got a text from someone regarding this person.  She had taken it upon herself to let my ex boyfriend know where I was at for New Year's Eve- she was at the same place.  Now, let me preface this story- her and the ex were never even close while we were dating so it isn't like it was important for her to text him and let him know that she saw me.  I had asked if she just randomly text him, he had then mentioned she began talking about me the other day and stated how I was mean and a princess. My first reaction was princess?! I define a princess as someone that is spoiled, doesn't appreciate anything, and expects the world to revolve around them. Having worked to support myself since I was 15, purchasing my own car, putting myself through college, working full-time jobs and going to school, moving out of home at 18, I don't classify myself with being a princess. I then began thinking, why do people waste their time talking about other people? Why do we let other people effect us so much that we spend countless hours talking about them but not to them? What I find humorous is that once I confronted this person- she denied even talking about me which clearly states to me that you aren't confident in your "princess" slander to say it to my face.

Well, it is 2012 and I am wiping the slate clean.  I am me and those that love me will appreciate me for being me.  That doesn't mean I am not charitable and aim to upset or hurt others but you can't live your life trying to impress others because you will end up unsatisfied.