Thursday, January 31, 2013


No one ever told me that when I moved to Los Angeles I would have to budget for parking tickets, in fact, no one told me that free and parking were nonexistent here.

Waking up late for work is one thing. Waking up late and knowing you've just wasted the cost of a pair of shoes on a parking ticket is devastating. I missed my alarm this morning and rather than the usual thought of a shower and getting dressed, my mind raced trying to think of the quickest way out the door while frantically praying that I would not have a ticket. As I turned the street corner and saw my car off in the distance, a small white piece of paper lye under my windshield wiper.


Two tickets in one week for the SAME thing.

Happy Thursday.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013


When I signed up for this marathon, I'm not sure my body was ready for that commitment again but sure enough, the conditioning has begun. Stevo and I ran four miles after work before we headed to a going away party for my friend. Heading to the party, I knew Ashley Greene from Twilight would be there but it was a nice surprise to see Wilmer Valderrama from That Seventies Show. I'm sure many others were there from the uninvited outside guests.

As we went to leave, a slew of paparazzi were outside and Stevo and I began talking about celebrities. I turned to him and said, "I really don't geek out about famous people." I'm not sure if it's because they are everywhere in this town or perhaps because I haven't seen someone that I "idolize" enough to get overly excited about seeing. I came to the conclusion that Dave Grohl is probably the only person that would have that effect on me! I suppose only then will my Los Angeles life be complete.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


I LOVE giving gifts. Like absolutely positively LOVE giving gifts. I like to pay close attention to things people want and when the opportunity presents itself, I shower those that I love with presents that I know they will love.

Last night was my good friend Colin's birthday and although he's probably one of the most difficult people to shop for, I managed to find something I felt would be just perfect. On a separate note regarding gifts, as I was in the bathroom this morning (I swear there is a point to this) I looked over in the mirror as I noticed the reflection from the main mirror which produced an infinite number of 'Nicole's' and instantly reminded me of a sealing room within a temple. Sealing rooms have mirrors on both sides as to give the impression of infinity and as that thought crossed my mind, I immediately thought of the joy I will have when I can seal Goose to grandpa.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Send Her Off.

Last night Stevo and I drove up to see Goose but before arriving to her room, we stopped to talk to Les, one of my favorite residents with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). He looked at me as he told a story about a friend of his that was dying and loved music. On his final days, all of their friends gathered around and sang and played instruments to send him off in the right manner. Les then challenged me with the question, "How do you think Gloria would like to be sent off?"

As I sat and pondered that question, I couldn't think of an answer. How WOULD she want to be sent off? I said on the beach or something but I couldn't think of an answer. Nothing seemed like the perfect answer. We made our way into the room as I watched her frail body breathe in and out. Her eyes were shut, she was not responsive but suddenly she opened her eyes wide at Stevo as she motioned for him to come near her, she pulled his arm close and began rubbing his arm. I couldn't help but get emotional, it was such a sweet moment.

Life is full of many sweet moments and all too often they are overlooked. My eyes have been incredibly open and aware to the beautiful moments with Goose and I will cherish them forever.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

The end.

No one can prepare you. No time can make it better. Nothing can make it easier.

I broke down today for the first time. Upon entering Goose's room and seeing her current status, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and take a moment to compose my emotions. When mom saw me crying she knew that must mean the end is near and it's apparent.

Although much of her words are gibberish at this point she managed to ask for grandpa Doc's picture and clenched it in her hands. Next she reached for a picture of Colton. I've realized I can no longer control my emotions. Being strong is no longer an option.

Hospice told me she had less than a week. I then had to relay that message to mother and with tears in her eyes she said she would tell Goose it was okay for her to go home.

As her brother walked into the room I couldn't help but put myself in his shoes. If the roles were different and if it was Chad visiting me at that stage in my life. Overwhelmed with emotions I became speechless while listening to mom and uncle Bob tell stories and reminisce.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Saying Goodbye.

About a week ago I told Goose that it was okay for her to go, that if she was ready, I was ready. Tonight, mom called to let me know that the hospice nurse said Goose is waiting for mom to tell her it's okay to go. As hard as that is to swallow, I understand. I told mom that we can't keep holding on and that we all need to say goodbye. How ironic that we hold on waiting for permission to leave this life. It is as if she doesn't want to let anyone down and she wants everyone to say goodbye.

Goose, it's time to go home...we give you permission.


Last night we celebrated Masato's birthday and it was great. After a 3 mile run to start getting my butt in gear, it was game time. Friends. Food. Stars. (Griffith Observatory) and cupcakes.

Driving to sushi mom had called and as we talked about Goose my heart sunk. Each day gets worse and I hate seeing these things happen. Just opens your eyes to what really matter, family and friends.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Life is Good.

Last night while with my friend Wendy, we came to the conclusion that life is great. That although we may not be where we want to be, we are headed in the right direction and that is what matters most. Wendy is such an inspiration to me as I have watched her grow immensely over the last 6 months. The topic of perfection came up as we discussed life and expectations. Unfortunately, we are not perfect and never will be in this life but that doesn't mean we are on the wrong track or failures. Mistakes happen, life happens, but the important thing to always remember is the love of our Heavenly Father and his desire for us to all succeed.

An email from a random friend had this scripture at the close of his signature;

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;

Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

We have adversity on every side of us but that doesn't mean we need to suffer from anxiety or pain. We may not understand everything but that doesn't mean we should lose all hope or confidence. We will constantly face trials that mold and shake us but nothing will ever destroy us.

Monday, January 21, 2013


After a nice breakfast at Square One with Stevo, I headed up to spend the day with Goose. As I sat on the edge of her bed and stared at her frail body, I asked if I could brush her hair, she gladly nodded yes. When I finished and laid the brush down she reached for my hand to hold. As she gripped my hand with all her might she pulled me closer to her and asked me to lay with her. I've been laying on the bed with her but this was the first time she had asked me to be with her. As I laid with my head resting on her chest, she began rubbing my back and hair. The moment was so precious I didn't want it up end. She told me that she loved me, a bushel and a peck...and a hug around the neck.

Moments like these make life worth living. No amount of money can buy the happiness that tender moments like these provide.

Friday, January 18, 2013


Growing up whenever the lights would go on or off in the house mom would always say that it was grandpa. Grandpa died when I was 2 years old so I don't have any memories of him but I sure as heck know that when lights randomly turn on, we think of him.

Last night I drove up to see Goose and as I walked in the door, mom was sitting in the bed with her cuddling and crying. I could tell that things are finally hitting her. We switched spots and I laid in bed with Goose, brushing her hair and rubbing her arm. While talking with mom, all of the sudden the light went completely dim. Mom and I looked at each other and said, "grandpa is here." We somewhat joked and talked about him while I asked Goose if grandpa was there, she nodded and said yes but then again she has been saying yes to many things lately. Mom went to replace the lightbulb but became side tracked by something else and we found ourselves going through Goose's jewelry when all of a sudden the light went fully bright again. I looked at mom and asked if she had replaced the bulb, she responded no and silence filled the room. Mom then looked at me and said, "I prayed today and talked to dad, I asked if he would be there when she passes," as she said this we both laughed and cried. "He sure knows how to give us a sign." It's starting to sink in and it's getting more difficult. Every night I prepare myself and every morning I cringe when I call the nursing station as I'm afraid to hear what they may say.

For now, I'm grateful I had another day to tell her I love her and to have her say, "a bushel and a peck..."

Thursday, January 17, 2013

How Are You Doing?

After conveying a message from hospice to my co-worker she asked how I was doing. She said I was very matter of fact in everything and that I didn't have to play the tough cookie to her, that I could cry if I needed to. Her words sunk in as I stepped outside for a moment. How AM I doing?

I guess I've always been the strong one for my family and perhaps that means putting my own feelings on hold for the time being. I've never really thought about it that way but then again I don't know how else to react to things. Goose is in her final days. Her organs are shutting down and yes, although these are all matter of fact statements, I don't think I can change my mindset right now. No matter how much I prepare for this, I will never be ready. Chad and I are probably closer to Goose than we are to our own mother so this time is the roughest thing I know I'll go through. I just want to hug her and hold her and kiss her as many times as I can while she is alive. Maybe avoiding the emotional part of things is keeping me composed in the interim while I have to work and be the Relief Society president., I honestly don't know. I'm more than grateful that she had a good day yesterday while Chad was there. I'm grateful that Colton was able to see her and kiss her and to know the excitement that those brief moments brought to her face and heart.

My heart sinks as I know there's going to be a time when I say, "I love you," and she doesn't chime in, "a bushel and a peck," as I finish with, "and a hug around the neck."

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


No hand I'd rather hold, no cheek I'd rather kiss. Goose told me she was ready to be with grandpa today and as much as I'm trying to prepare myself for what I know is around the corner, I struggle with losing the physical but rejoice in what I know spiritually.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

3-4 Years.

You know when you stop and have an, "I told you so moment?" Or a brief flash comes before your eyes when you smile because you know you're right about something? Well, that happened tonight.

While at a family party tonight my mom was talking about me to my aunt when she said, "in the last 3-4 years you've changed, you're more loving and more patient." My interior dialog went off in my brain, "oh you mean, since I've been Mormon?" (Since I was baptized 4 years ago.) It is funny to me how people never can look at the positive when faced head on with a question (my mother seems to not like the church, she can't tell you WHY, she just doesn't like the church). However, the fruits of the church have directly affected me and my character and THAT is something my mother has observed. It is also something she would never associate with the church.

Baby steps. One day :)

She gave me Goose's ring today, the ring I've watched her wear for the last 30 years is now on my hand.

Thursday, January 10, 2013


While sitting at work yesterday with 60 minutes left on the clock until I'd be ready to leave, I made a post on my Facebook status stating, "The last hour of work is like the last .2 miles of a marathon."

A marathon is 26.2 miles and I vividly remember the first marathon I ran in 2006 and the mind over matter fight that occurs near the end. You've already accomplished so much, you've ran 26 miles and the thought of having to run .2 miles to the finish line seems unbearable.

Needless to say, my mind started thinking about marathons and I came across the list of all California marathons throughout 2013. The marathon I've always wanted to do because of the beautiful scenery was listed but to my dismay was sold out. It's at the end of April and already sold out! Luckily there was a charity option to raise money and get in that way. So, I've applied to run for a cause, children with cancer. Running for a cause makes it that much more exciting anyway. Training mode shall commence.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


"I like your style," I told a friend as she walked past me. She responded, "I love your style." Now, this woman makes about 4 times my salary and buys all the highest brand names while I shop at thrift stores.

Growing up mom never took us to department stores, we went to thrift stores and this was before they were the cool thing to do. My addiction has progressed throughout adulthood so much that I rarely ever wear the same piece of clothing twice. I usually justify this because things are cheap and I wear them and then give them away. I go through my closet at least every other month and give away shoes and clothes I no longer wear.

I've started to be more selective so I buy actual pieces that are gems and not just one time wears and in the process have found some amazing things. I'm not vain by any means but I always like to get compliments on my shoes. I know, typical woman.

And here is my new website:


"So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment."
—Thomas S. Monson, "Living the Abundance Life", Liahona and Ensign, January 2012

A coworker asked me yesterday what my goals were for 2013, I responded, "to be happier." He said, "were you not happy last year," to which I replied, "I was, but I feel that we can always be happier. We can't choose what happens in life but we can choose our attitude toward things."

Our attitude reflects our happiness and no one wants to be around the person that is constantly complaining, never making changes, and has a negative outlook. I've been guilty myself of saying, "I'll be happier when ... happens," or some form of that statement but I feel that can be compared to the money analogy; if you are stupid with your money when you're poor, you're going to be stupid with your money when you're rich. If you're unhappy because things aren't perfect in your life, you're always going to find something to be unhappy about.

I know the gospel makes me happy, no matter how many crappy lemons I've had thrown at me. And of course I can't forget rainbow sprinkles.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013


There used to be a cartoon when I was younger called Animaniacs. The little girl Mindy was known for the line, "why, why, why, ok I love you bye bye." She, like most children, always wanted to know "why?" for anything they are told or asked to do. Today I find myself constantly asking as Mindy did, "why?"

"Why can I not move out of Los Angeles?"
"Why does my stomach hate me?"
"Why do I gain weight when I eat pizza all the time? (Just kidding that one's rhetorical :) )
"Why do we think we know where we are headed and then life throws us a curve ball?"
"Why does my ex-boyfriend stalk my blog daily but refuse to actually talk to me?"
"Why is my mother so against the church?"

It's logical to ask yourself "why" when nothing adds up or makes sense. As humans we seem to think we are obligated to know the answer to everything. Our brains spend so much time and effort trying to figure out why things happen when in all reality, the answer to the question is, "you will never know," or "you're not meant to know right now." The latter is hard because once again as humans we are an impatient breed and would like instant gratification. We want to lose weight while popping a pill rather than working out, or receive a job promotion without working hard, yet I've come to realize in my wee 30 years that nothing, NOTHING worth while is ever easy. I've also come to realize that the answers to questions don't always come and when they do come, they are on the Lord's timing and not mine.

So rather than ask the question "why" l'll go ahead and adopt the other portion of Mindy's coined phrase, accept things that I cannot change and simply say, "ok I love you, bye bye."

Monday, January 7, 2013

How are you?

“Every day a holiday, every meal a feast,” a co-worker responded as I greeted him with the mechanical question, “how are you?”

His creative and unique response left me to ponder. Every day a holiday, every meal a feast, he is enjoying life to the fullest. The literal part of my brain tries to decipher the fact that if I were working and waking up at 5 am on a holiday, it wouldn’t be much of a holiday. I must however throw out that side of my thought process and ponder upon the symbolic meaning behind that simple phrase. What keeps me from treating every day like a holiday, because I am pretty sure I do treat every meal as a feast, or at least the scale would reflect that.

I did however wake up at 5 am with full intentions on going to the gym however the thought process of, “I will go tomorrow,” won over. Unfortunately I was unable to go back to sleep and after wrestling in the bed for an hour I realized that I should have just gone to the gym. This mind over matter thing is really getting in the way of my Mormon one-piece body. :)

Sunday, January 6, 2013


Sometimes music just says things better.
Zedd is a great German DJ that just so happens to produce some sweet tunes and collaborated with the talented voice of the band Foxes who may have borrowed my diary in the process.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


The other day at work I was talking to a co-worker about Croatia and he asked where all I had been. As I named off the countries I have traveled to he said, "I notice you haven't been to Italy."

I replied, "Italy is romantic and I refuse to go there alone," (since I always travel alone). I sure hope my husband loves to travel because it's something I don't ever want to give up.

Mom asked me if I'd save Italy for her about a year ago and I agreed. Her and Goose used to go to Italy when mom was a flight attendant. Last night at dinner mom and I were discussing Goose and what will happen when she dies. It has been decided that she will be cremated. We turned to each other at the same time and said, "let's take Goose to Italy!"

So our trip to Italy will be contingent on when Goose passes on and I couldn't think of a better person that I love and care for to experience my first time in Italy with.

We got home and went through pictures (while eating ice cream). Here are some pictures I found me me (the baby), Goose, Chad, and my sister Aimee and another picture of mom and I when we did glamour shots in 1996. I was 14!

Always Right.

Have you ever encountered that person that is never wrong? The person that you can never tell a story or claim any valid point without them countering it, even when you have first-hand experience? My mother's good friend Bob is that person to a T.

While headed to pick Goose up from the hospital and take her back to her place, I had the most dreadful and annoying 45 minute car ride. I couldn't tell any story without him having to add his two cents from the peanut gallery. Nothing I said or did was right and although I held my tongue for him, I don't have to do that on my blog! I've never realized how a man can tune people out until being around Bob. He talks so much that I have to fade his conversation out of my head in order to think clearly. Some people talk just to hear their voice, I on the other hand enjoy silence. I have a rule that before I marry someone they have to pass the, "road trip test," which means we have to be able to ride in the car together and to enjoy each others company without constantly talking. I suppose since I'm not marrying Bob, this test is out the door.

Mom and Bob dated when she was probably 20 years old and she claims he was never like that. I fear the babbling mouth syndrome that I may encounter as I age and pray that's one thing I don't get.

I was more than thrilled to see Goose, partially just to get out of the car, even though she's not much entertainment and doesn't hold a long conversation, just being around her makes me happy.

"Can you scratch my back," she stated as I sat down next to her. I brushed her hair and scratched her back and thought about the simple joys in life.

Me: "I love you Goose."
Goose: "A bushel and a peck..."
Me: "And a hug around the neck."

She's said those words to me for the last 30 years. Those words make me smile.

Friday, January 4, 2013


Sometimes I have random moments when a quote of a certain talk runs through my mind and that seems to have been happening a lot lately. I jot down random notes on my iPhone and periodically go through them to see what nonsense I noted and what I should follow-up on. I had written down, “Find Joy in the Journey,” a talk that I remember well from my first General Conference after becoming a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. With a new year and supposedly new perspectives on things, I decided to take a look at this talk. I know that we are only as happy as we choose to be for life happens and we have no control over that but we do have control over how we respond. Easier said than done, I know. Yesterday while talking to my mother about Goose she noted that nothing was going to change, everything will stay the same, she wasn’t going to get any better. I stopped her mid-sentence and said, “You’re right, if you continue to have that outlook on things, NOTHING will change.” I often wonder why I am unhappy when I know I have full control over my happiness. If it is a fact that life happens, then why is it so hard to find joy in the journey? Why do we rush for certain milestones in our life and disregard the day to day journey that could be such a joyous experience. I am not just talking about finding joy when things are pleasant but finding joy when things are tough.

“This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.” President Thomas S. Monson.

Thinking that something wonderful is going to happen without making any changes or doing anything productive is a false representation of happiness. Although my life is certainly nowhere near perfect, there are things that I can find to be happy about in my daily journey.

“Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.” We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.”

I’ve always been blunt, I’ve always said what was on my mind and my justification has been that I will never have to regret not telling someone something even if it is hard. If I were to die tomorrow, no one would have to guess if I loved them or not, or how I felt about certain things because none of us are promised a tomorrow and I’d hate to live my life planning how to live tomorrow without loving how I life today.

“Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family. One day each of us will run out of tomorrows.”

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Falling Down.

I peeped my eyes open briefly to look at my phone.


6:40! Crap, I'm normally out the door by 6:30. I tried my hardest to get out of bed but between the two fat cats and my space heater in the way I plummeted to the cold hardwood floors landing on my right knee. The same knee that I oh so graciously fell on after Christmas. I didn't have time to baby my injury, I jumped in the shower and got ready in a record breaking 10 minutes. As I knelt to pray I had to immediately get up because it hurt so bad. Yes, I know I love pressing bruises but this crap hurt like a mofo.

I must say, although physical pain is much more welcoming than emotional heartbreaking pain, I'd prefer to have neither. I'm sure if my cats could do anything other than eat, they'd have a laughing commentary on my fall this morning. I'm still slightly surprised that I've never broken a bone in my life, must be all that milk I drank growing up. It's the 3rd of the month and I'd say 2013 is moving swimmingly and full of excitement :).

I did however plan a 5 day kayaking trip on the Adriatic Sea while I'm in Croatia. I'd say that's the sprinkles on my cupcake.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


I remember walking into the kitchen finding Misty lifeless by the back door.

Chad had fallen to the floor grasping his tear-filled face with both hands while my mother was off in the distance. At eight years old, I was left with no choice but to be the strong one for the family as I wrapped her lifeless furry feline body into a pillowcase and into the backyard for a proper burial.

Memories of this moment came flashing through my mind yesterday as I stood in Goose's (my grandma) room helping her as my family had just learned she needed to go to the ER. My mother once again was in hysterics not knowing what to do and as I came in, placed a diaper on an 89 year-old frail body, I fought everything to stay composed. This is the woman that walked 8 miles a day, raised two rambunctious and difficult grand kids, skinned a snake, and gave me her smile. Watching the woman that is dearest to me lose complete control, everything stopped for a minute as I held back tears knowing I had to be the strong one.

I looked at my mother and told her we have no control over what will happen, all we can do is help her in the moment. Worrying won't prevent her death, worrying wont keep her from aging, worrying wont make anything better.

As we drove to the ER I knew I'd have to take control and be that pillar for my mother. Once laid in the hospital bed, Goose turned to me. I smiled and waved and the largest smile came on her face. My mom was almost brought to tears yet again as she said, "I haven't seen her smile in months."

I love Goose more than anything and it's so hard to watch her age although I know the plan of salvation the Lord has for each and every one of us and that gives me comfort. She's been losing a lot of blood and they are concerned she has internal bleeding. She went from healthy to diapers overnight. Doctors were shocked she's not on any pills and has never had any heart conditions. The nurse looked at me and smiled, "you've got good genes."

If Goose is ready to meet grandpa, I want nothing more for her, I just want her to keep smiling and if being around her brings that forth than count me in!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year, New Plans.

Waking up with no voice, a stuffy nose, and feeling queasy I suppose amounts to having a great and successful New Year's Eve. I found an awesome sequin top at a thrift store for $4.00!

Before heading out for the night mom was going through old photos and showed me her wedding dress. I absolutely love her dress and can't wait to wear it one day! (If we can find it and whenever I get married haha).

My friend Erik was having people over so a bunch of us had a little pre party with games, gummy bears and monster and then headed over to the huge warehouse where's there was a DJ and aerialists that put on quite a show. I met some really cool people and around 2 am we headed back to Erik's for donuts and martenelli's and to jokingly talk about our New Year's resolutions. I'm so Mormon. Hahaha.

Happy 2013. Although I'm not much on resolutions because I tend to never keep them, this year I'm excited for the places my life will take me as I know it can be expected to be awesome I mean, I'm going to Croatia! That's enough to make the year complete.

My world... my thoughts

I can't apologize if you don't like what you read I can only apologize that you stumbled on my page.