:)

For the first time in a long time, things are great. Sometimes you need a little storm before you can enjoy the rainbow. And if you're REALLY good, sometimes you can see the rainbow in the midst of the rain.

Halloween.

Is tomorrow. As much as I love dressing up, I am just not feeling it this year. By this time I've usually gone to a number of haunted houses and carved pumpkins but this year it slipped pass me and now I don't feel like doing anything. Perhaps it's because I can't eat sugar and that's the reason for everyone's joy :) I told this guy at work today that I was dying, my friend looked and said, Nicole that's a little dramatic. I smiled and said well, life without sugar is pretty much death. Not really, but it makes it hard!

I went down for my tea at Coffee Bean this morning and the front desk guy called me over and said, "trick or treat," as he pointed to the candy jar. I responded with, I can't eat sugar. I felt like he was persuading me to do drugs haha, just one bite won't hurt you...he hasn't lived my life for the past 4 months, yes, one bite WILL hurt me. Today I go to another specialist with hopes to find some more clarity but in the meantime me and Mr. Mustache are having our own celebration.

Presents.

There is nothing I love more than giving gifts. Ok, maybe there are things that I love more but I REALLY like giving gifts.  Birthdays and Christmas are my favorite but mainly Christmas because there are so many people to buy gifts for at once.  I actually get more excited to watch a person open a gift I have given them than I like to open up my own gifts.  Years ago I went on a few dates with this guy that brought me peanut butter over to my house once, wrapped up (I love peanut butter). I laid the gift aside and was more enthralled with giving him something, I can't remember what it was but he called me out on my actions and said, "You don't don't know how to receive gifts do you?" It is not that I don't like receiving gifts, because I do, I just don't know how to accept gifts... does that make sense? I also am really hard to surprise because I normally just buy things that I want. Or maybe I don't like the attention on me when I open something up... who knows, but how can I not like the very thing that makes me the most excited, watching someone open a gift I have given them.

At any rate, I don't just buy stupid gifts, or buy something just to buy it, I really put a lot of thought into the things I buy people. I pay attention to their character, things they like, something they may mention they like, and I catalog these thoughts within my head until it is time to purchase them a gift. I made a list today of the people I need to buy gifts for so that I could start thinking of the perfect gifts.  Although my list is small, I was excited to start looking and didn't think I would find things as quickly as I did. I also have another weakness I must admit. I have a problem with keeping gifts a secret or not giving them as soon as I get them.  If I buy something for someone, I get SO excited that I just want to ruin the surprise and tell that person right away.  If you are my friend you have probably heard, "Do you want to know what I got you or do you want to wait?" I remember when I was young I had bought (with mom's money) my brother a red fire truck for Christmas. I wanted to tell him so bad that I went under my mom's bed, unwrapped the present and brought it to him. He was not happy... my brother likes to be surprised. I also LOVE to be surprised, I am just horrible at ruining them.  I am such a hypocrite :)

The only benefit of my inability to keep presents a secret is that if I buy you something early, I normally give it before Christmas, then feel guilty that I have nothing FOR Christmas day and go out and buy something else. I have issues, I am well aware of this. I bought four gifts today, now I will just have to wrap them and hide them from myself for the next two months!

Weak end.

For the most part my weekends are the busiest parts of my week and this weekend was no exception. Saturday I did a 6:30 am session, that I didn't know was in Samoan and I opted out of a headset not knowing what I was walking in to. Let's just say it was an interesting two hours :). Drove to the church and changed into hiking clothes to meet up for the Relief Society hike. The hike was beautiful and although I'm not keen on this sweltering heat, it was perfect for the hike and view. Came home and showered (I felt that was pertinent information for you to know) and headed back out to shoot the Westwood second ward's Halloween festivities. Those kids were adorable and they LOVED my costume. Met up with my friend Stuart and drove to our Halloween party. By the time I got home at 1:30 am, I was beat and only to wake up at 8 am to start the day with church meetings. As busy as my weekends are, I enjoy them more than my weeks. Yesterday was a great day even despite an email that momentarily made me weak and hurt to read regarding my character. I sleep just fine at night knowing I'm a good person with a heart of gold, that makes mistakes and accepts them, that forgives others that hurt me, that serves diligently in my calling, and loves the Lord with all my heart. If that makes me a horrible person than have your opinion. I won't defend my character and at least I can admit my faults.

I Voted.

I voted today.

Well, I filled out my ballot and mailed it in today, so I suppose that is the same thing. I tried to do my best in reading up on all of the propositions but I swear they make that as confusing as possible so you don’t know what you’re voting for. I don’t watch TV, read the paper, or look at the news so I really have no bias when it comes to anything. I simply read the facts and make my own decision. I laugh because my mom said, “You voted no on Prop… right?” I said, “Actually I voted yes.” She got all upset and said let me read why you need to vote no, she continued with reading some statement clearly from a supporter of the “no”. I told her that she wasn’t making her own decision, she was resting upon someone else’s facts. At any rate… the last question on the ballot caught me off guard;

“Shall an ordinance be adopted requiring producers of adult films to obtain a County public health permit, to require adult film performers to use condoms while engaged in sex acts, to provide proof of blood borne pathogen training course, to post permit and notices to performers, and making violations of the ordinance subject to civil fines and criminal charges?”

Pause. Is this really something we have on our ballot? Yes, it is. Porn has become such a problem, it really does ruin marriages and alters the opinion of what women truly are. Sad that these things are going on but hopefully majority rules correctly in this one.

Joy.

Last night I was able to be a part of something extremely heart warming and it filled my soul with happiness. I received an email from a sister in the ward yesterday morning asking for my number, that she needed some help. She ended up telling me in email because it was easier for her, that she was adopted and her birth mother had died the prior day. Being unemployed and the funeral being in West Virginia, she was unaware of how she would get there. Not wanting to ask for charity, she was asking if I knew anyone that had flight miles or something that could happen. Normally I would go to my knees and pray but I was overwhelmed with the thought that we, the church, needed to pay for this flight. I searched for flights and emailed the bishop letting him know the options and asking permission. He replied quickly saying that he agreed, we should do it. I purchased the ticket and sent her the confirmation. Within minutes of emailing her my phone rang and she was in tears. She could barely speak for how happy she was that she would be able to attend her mother’s funeral and expressed that she had no way of getting there unless there was a miracle.

There is nothing that makes me happier than seeing the hand of God work in people’s lives. Nothing that warms your heart than to hear the grateful and appreciative words from this dear sister. I am glad the Lord could use me to make her desires come true.

This City is Not For Me.

I've never felt "home" in Los Angeles which for me is quite ironic since I've lived so many places and always been able to make friends and fit in. There's something about this city though that drags you in and drains you. Thinking back I can't remember if I ever prayed about my decision to move here. Regardless, for every decision there are consequences. Although I've had many unpleasant and trying experiences, I don't regret the move, meeting the good people I've met, and of course serving as the Relief Society president. I feel however that LA has served it's purpose in my life and I'm ready to check out.

I couldn't ask for more perfect timing, I'm in a month-to-month lease and my job has pushed me over the limits. I had another horrible day of dealing with Devil Woman. Sometimes I wonder if she goes home at night and plays with a voodoo doll replication of me. As I sat across the table from her today I said, "I'm done fighting. I've never had an employer have this many issues with me before." I want to go back to technical writing, I had enjoyment in that and at least dealt with real problems rather than caddy high school drama.

I took a test yesterday that gathered information about ideal places and climates to live, Boston and Pennsylvania were the top choices. Of course it didn't take anywhere out of the country as a possible option, it was only based on US states. My only requirement is to have a temple nearby. The thing is, I have no ties in California, nothing making me stay. Sure, family and friends are here but airplanes DO exist.

Sometimes I wish answers were black and white. I wish I had a crystal ball to predict the future. Don't get me wrong, I find joy in the journey but I would just like a little push in the right direction :) maybe that just means the Lord wants ME to make the first move.

Where oh where should I go?

Let Her Go.

I love this song by Passenger, well, I just love Passenger but this song really strikes a chord.  I started to think about the lyrics and how true they are to all facades of life and how we don't realize what we have until it is gone.  How unfortunate but how true; sometimes we need the absence of something to make us appreciate what we had.

Spiritual Lull.

Cait told me yesterday, "You know you're happiest when you're reading your scriptures," in response to me telling her I was in a frump and hadn't been reading as diligently. I made a promise to myself about two months ago that I would read my scriptures daily. One day slipped away and then two. I picked back up and started again but with slight frustration. I've kind of felt spiritually dumb for a while. When I joined the church my knowledge was so profound. I would read and immediately could liken them unto myself. My blessing says that the windows of understanding will be open to me if I search and ponder the scriptures daily. I'm promised this.

What's different today than 4 years ago? Why am I struggling so hard with in-depth studies. I read, but it's so hard to dig into the spiritual and symbolic meaning, to apply what I read to my every day life. I've had this question in my kind a lot lately and someone told me that when I first joined everything came easy to me and now the deeper I get, the more it is going to take to understand things. It's so ironic sometimes because I feel like I've been more spiritually close to God lately than ever before. I am endowed, I am the Relief Society president, I go to the temple weekly, and I'm praying and reading, yet I feel so ignorant when it comes to gospel knowledge.

I guess this is a humbling moment to realize you will always learn. We are never done learning, no matter how many times you read the scriptures, we are constantly taught. I shouldn't be searching for the same insight I had four years ago but rather new spiritual knowledge. I can't help but think of my favorite book, "If Life Were Easy It Wouldn't Be Hard," well isn't that the truth!

Sometimes you have to get through the hard in order to enjoy the beauty. "Nothing worth while is ever easy."

Just Friends.

Is it possible for two people of the opposite sex to have a platonic relationship? I'd like to believe in the mature capability of that however I'm starting to realize these types of friendships are few and far between. I am nice to people, generally, I mean, I try :). Sometimes I feel that being nice can be taken too far and when that friendship feels like it's being jeopardized, I push away and somewhat shut down. While I do agree that it's good to be friends first and eventually marry your best friend, I also think there's a moment when something clicks, either for the guy or girl, that there could be something romantic and if its not between both parties, it's awkward. If you feel uncomfortable talking about other guys in front of male friends then, you've probably got romantic feelings brewing.

I'm not looking to date right now, I say that because the right person hasn't come around, or back for that matter.  Although that is a common statement that people may hear, or shall I say a common line that is given, it really means something completely different. The phrasing, "I'm not ready to date," is an excuse and I wholeheartedly agree. What should be said is, "I'm not ready (nor will I ever be) to date ... You."

In other news I fell asleep watching Vampire Diaries and woke up in a panic at 3 am. When I sprung up Sock's face was right in mine. I'm not sure who scared who more but I totally thought for a moment that he was a vampire cat and about to eat a midnight human snack.

Woohooo.

Ha. I can't help but think of Andi with that statement. He used to always talk about 'woohoo girls', well, right now I am a woohoo girl, although I will keep my shirt on and try not to be too obnoxious.  So, a little back story, for the past, oh since June, I have had stomach issues, everything I eat, I immediately bloat up and I feel like I ate Thanksgiving dinner after two bites of any food. It sucks. Over the course of the past four months I have been poked and probed, had every test, different surgical procedures, cameras inside of me, blood work, you catch my drift.  The verdict after all those tests was: YOU'RE PERFECT ON PAPER. Well, gee, thanks, however I am not perfect in this stomach! In August I decided to go to an acupuncturist.  I have never been to one, I am not keen on needles, but my oh my, this little Asian lady saved my life.

Western medicine doctors, my gastrointestinal doc for starters, do not approve of Eastern medicine.  He made it quite obvious that these efforts would prove unsuccessful in finding the root of this problem.  She left to China for a month so my treatments took a halt. Yesterday I was able to see her after a little break and I had complaints that everything was worse, the bloating was horrible, and I had no energy.  She looked at me and said, "You gain weight." (classy, always what a girl wants to hear. Perhaps I was less offended because A. She was right, and B. She is a cute little Asian girl.) She went on to say that I may be upset about that but she is happy.  People with digestive issues eat and don't gain weight, but me gaining weight shows that my digestion is better. She continued to ask some questions and there was a lightbulb moment, she turned to me and said,

Nicole, you are deathly allergic to sugar.

WHAT? No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but it made sense. Perfect sense. Sugar is in EVERYTHING, (trust me I just tried to go grocery shopping). So, I have to cut it out completely, we are going to run some allergy tests but  only a day of cutting it out completely I can see a difference (I don't look or feel 5 months pregnant). She gave me this medical shake mix, to fix my metabolism since it has been messed up by not eating for 4 months, enzymes, and I will follow-up next Friday. I am so excited to finally have a lead. On the plus side, I am about to drop some serious weight (not that I have a serious issue) but my diet is going to be very strict.

I need to find a new replacement food for when I get sad and depressed and want to mope because chocolate won't work anymore :)

Cait.

Happy birthday to the best friend a girl could ever ask for. To the girl that has always been there for me to listen to me talk about anything life may throw in my view. To the girl that puts up with my crazy self, that loves me unconditionally, that has the most amazing husband I could ever ask for to take care of my best friend. I love you so much and thank God for introducing us. Thank you for always being there for me on every special day I have had thus far... now if we could just make it to the next one :)

Anxiety.

I have gone back and forth with myself (let me tell you there is nothing worse than fighting with yourself) regarding moving. I don’t care for my apartment that I have lived in for the past year and a half but every time I start to look at moving, I get anxiety. Let me explain:

1. I don’t want to sign a lease.

I am not sure how long I will be in Los Angeles, at my job, and all that fun stuff. Therefore, I hate committing to live in a place that I am not definite I will live there.

2. Living in LA it is hard to decide where you can live.

Unlike most cities where you can find something online, go check it out, and move in, here in LA, you have to know about crime and parking, and roaches (yes roaches). Growing up I never saw a roach. In fact, we were taught that if you had roaches, you were dirty. Here in LA, they are a free roommate. Don’t worry if you only wanted to live alone, they bring their family members by the masses and put up camp. Also, I just asked a friend about an area and his response was, “lots of Asians and lots of drugs.” I am not racist but those two combined, makes me weary.

3. 5 miles could be over an hour.

You have to consider where you are driving and what time because there could be a lot of factors that come in to play when you are driving to and from work during peak hours.

My main problem really is that I don’t know where I will be after the first of the year. I want to move so bad. I would like to pack up all my bags and move out of the country, truth be told, but that is harder to find a job. I would stay where I currently am, because rent is cheap and I feel safe, if it wasn’t for the roaches I have to keep dealing with. Then again, I don’t want to pay $2,000 a month and perhaps roaches just come with the territory. I am normally so good with decisions, I just feel like a lot is up in the air with my life and this makes me quite uncomfortable. I am a planner. I like to know things. The unknown is somewhat frightening and yes, this is why I am sitting here having bursts of anxiety moments on this lovely Friday morning. The good news is I look cute today :)

Casual Sex.

I am sitting here at work listening to my co-worker talk about her “date” last night. Now, I place the word in brackets because I don’t call it much of a date when it is more or less a planned hook-up for casual sex. A date consists of three things; entertainment, food, and romance. In Mormon terms you will hear, when the entertainment becomes the romance it is time to get married or get out. (Little humorous since Mormons can only kiss… or should only kiss, prior to marriage). At any rate, she is going on about how they have been seeing each other for six months but he is not ready to date anyone right now. I tell her that simply means he isn’t into her for more than what she can give to him, in that moment. Confident that they have an agreement and that they just have fun together, I lay it down without being bashful. I hate to break it to her but that is a line of BS. I don’t care who you are, how much you have been hurt, how recent your last break-up was, when the right person comes along you know it. When the wrong person comes along you also know it. I look at dates as more of an interview process, I mean, essentially, I am weeding through the positive and negative qualities and making my imaginary list of the man I would like to date and marry. Granted, this elimination process can also cause trouble when you find yourself only searching for the perfect person and sticking firm to your guns. Not everyone, or anyone, will be perfect but the act of dating sure does help you recognize the things you just can’t live without, and the things you just can’t live WITH.

Casual sex is such a joke for me. I mean, I understand when you aren’t Mormon, you don’t have the standards we are taught, and you have sex with a partner. That part makes sense, however, opening your house and your legs for a man that doesn’t even appreciate you, is straight up stupid and a representation of your insecurity. He called her yesterday and asked, “are you feeding me?” What happened to chivalry? If a guy asked me if I was feeding him, I would tell him to feed himself. I am a very generous person. I enjoy giving gifts more than receiving gifts but I have also come to realize that I need to not give, give, give. A man is perfectly capable of showing interest and putting forth effort. If you are constantly chasing after someone for their attention, you need to give up. The more you let a guy take advantage of you, the more he is going to. You can feed yourself lines all day long that you are not ready for a relationship, or that you are just having fun but at the end of the day, you are secretly wishing for that prince charming fairytale ending, one that I have never seen begin with casual sex!

Glowing.

“Are you getting married?” Was the question I received as I walked into the kitchen this morning, she proceeded with, “your face is glowing.” I had to chuckle as I told her no, I would need to date someone seriously for that to happen. She then asked about Andi. I haven’t really talked about him to anyone so most people either think that we are still dating, or they just don’t ask. Besides Gabby in the kitchen this morning, and two co-workers this week, I had three people at church ask me on Sunday how he was doing and my response was, “You would know just as much as I would know!” It has been two months so I thought for the most part I had dodged a bullet having to answer questions or talk about the situation. I find myself to be a VERY open book but there are also some aspects of my life that I just don’t talk about. I tend to divert the attention from myself and talk more about other people and their problems, especially being Relief Society president. I feel like talking about myself opens me to be vulnerable, unless of course you are a close friend… then you hear the play by play of my life (sorry Cait). At any rate… today we are going to talk about escalators, since that was my thought process this morning.

I have a routine. There are two options from the parking garage to come up to the elevators into the building; take the escalator, or take the garage elevators to ground level. I decided that if I was going to take the escalators, I would walk up them, not be sedentary. I view this as my morning workout especially since I am lazy (although I just bought a gym membership so that is subject to change :) ). Sometimes I get slightly disturbed when I see someone get on before me as I quickly contemplate in my mind if they will be a walker or a stander. This morning I walked the first set of escalators and sure enough, someone was just standing. The man in front of me must have been slightly more persistent than I in his need to walk up the escalator because at the next flight break, she stepped off to the side to let the two of us walk the remainder of the escalator stairs. It is the simple things in life that bring a smile to my face. Heck maybe it was even that victory that made my face glow :). I feel like I accomplished something and it is only 8 am :)

Half Full.

I like the ends of bread. I view this kind of like brownies. Most people are divided between liking the corners, and liking the middle pieces, each for their respective reasons. When it comes to bread, I tend to seek out the ends. The pieces that people leave in the bag and choose to discard, I view as the only worthy pieces of bread.

Why?

The ends are the most nutritious and tasty. It’s like you are getting something extra special with one part of cut bread and one part of a heel. I am odd, I completely understand and accept this. The point of this awesome bread story is that this morning I went into the kitchen at work, to toast up my bread end and it was gone! I had to settle for the next best thing. At first I was slightly disappointed, you know how it is when you think of something in your mind, you want it, then you don’t get it? Yes, I had that moment. I came back to my desk and read an email that had this in the body:

“I have no cause for complaint, only reasons to be appreciative.”

It was in response to asking someone how they were. It made me think that all too often we are quick to jump the gun and complain about all the crappy things that are going on in our life because, well, we let them consume us. If we changed our perspective, I know easier said than done, but if we changed our perspective and sought out the things we have to be appreciative for (like the fact that my work even provides free breakfast in the first place) we would be more appreciative. You know that old saying, is the glass half full or half empty? I say we seek to look at reasons the glass is always half full.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

Happy hump day!

Impatient.

We all know I have no patience. I also refuse to pray for it because then I'll be given loads of trials to learn it :) I was attempting to grow my hair out but last night I chopped it off again, and went lighter.

Happiness.

'I've learned the hard way that change is one of God's greatest gifts, and most useful tools. Change can push us, pull us, rebuke and remake us. It can show us who we've become, in the worst ways, and also in the best ways. I've learned that it's not something to run away from, as though we could, and that in many cases, change is a function of God's graciousness, not life's cruelty.' Shauna Niequist

A friend of mine posted this quote on Facebook and it made me stop and think. People do not like change. I on the other hand embrace change, as in change my hair cut or color every 6 weeks, change around the furniture in my apartment, change activities I do throughout the week and with friends, because I tend to get bored easily. However, there are a lot of people that cannot grasp the concept of change, they become accustomed to a certain style of living, a certain pattern of life, and whenever anything changes it throws them for a loop. To take things a little more in-depth, certain changes, as in things within the direction of life, can definitely turn my world upside down and I believe that is the change Shuana Niequist is quoting above. I am not sure I agree that change can show us what we have become as much as I agree that how we respond, accept, and react to change is what shows us what we have become. When we are presented with challenges in life there is always an easy way and a hard way to deal with what is before us. Normally the easy way is a quick instant gratification fix but does nothing to actually teach us and help us grow. Take for example receiving constructive criticism at work, the easy thing to do would be to disagree, quit your job, and find a new place that doesn’t tell you there are things you need to change. The hard way however, or the way that would take more effort, is in sticking in the current spot and working your way through the challenging moments to learn and to grow.

Yesterday in church there were two speakers that were asked to talk on a conference talk that they had enjoyed from our most recent General Conference. Of the 27 different talks these two girls, unbeknownst to each other, had chosen the same talk. Some would call that coincidence, I call that a necessity for us to hear a certain message within that talk. The talk was called, Of Regrets and Resolutions by President Dieter F. Uchtodorf. (You can read the full talk here: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/print/2012/10/of-regrets-and-resolutions?lang=eng) The overall message was that WE, yes you, determine your happiness. That just because there is change in your life, that just because things aren’t going the way you had planned, you can still be happy. Many people think that if they get married, or have kids, or get a better job, or make more money, or have a better car, that they would be happier. Sure, all those things may be great but happiness lies within regardless of your present circumstances. There is a great book I read once that is called, Man’s Search for Meaning, wherein Victor Frankl, relays that we cannot choose the circumstances that happen to us but we CAN choose how we react to them.

Remember that one time.

...that I tried to work out and was in pain for days? Ya, that just happened. On Wednesday night after writing two horrendous papers for my research and psychoanalysis classes I had an hour long debate with myself regarding working out. Here comes my justification, TECHNICALLY, it's not my fault I'm so out of shape since I've been out of commission while doctors were poking and probing trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I've finally decided that since we can't figure out what's wrong with me, I might as well just try and work out. I have these 'Insanity' videos that I thought would be good to start with and I wouldn't have to leave the house. Twelve minutes into the workout and I text my best friend that she may need to call an ambulance. I'm a wuss, shut off the video and went back to eating a bowl of ice cream. Ok, that's a lie, I can't eat ice cream, but if I could...

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk all day and didn't really get up much. By 4pm I could barely walk my calves were so tight. I now understand why it's so easy to be lazy, this much pain after doing something good is definitely not fun. But it made me think, the refining process we go through is not always fun and can definitely hurt at moments all the while good changes are occurring. Sometimes we need a little pain to not only remind us that we are alive, but also to let us know that if we keep up the hard work, the results will pay off.

Brad Pitt.

I rarely remember my dreams, in fact, sometimes I secretly wish they were better than they are (just sleep). Well I suppose last night fulfilled that request since I completely missed my alarm for work and remember my dream quite vividly. I hope those two factors don't always go hand in hand.

The building I work in has stars coming in constantly. Brad and Angelina were in there last week and my co-worker stated, their house in LA is over by where you live, I'm surprised you don't ever see them. Brad rides around on his motorcycle with a gold glitter helmet too.

Something in that conversation had to of stuck in my head because last night, while dreaming, Brad was at my apartment in the back where cars park with his motorcycle. I went outside, right up to him and introduced myself. We started talking and became friends even amongst the paparazzi. The dream felt so real that I woke up with a cat jumping on me, clearly wanting food because they are underfed and malnourished (joke...insert obese cat picture here) and I had no clue where I was at... at 7 am when that is the time in supposed to be at work.

Fun hang session Brad. I'll meet you tomorrow for a ride on your motorcycle just don't make me late for work again, I don't have your paycheck and can't afford to lose my job.

A Better Fit.

I always love how I constantly think I know what I want, and then as I wait patiently (or impatiently for the most part). I watch and observe things work out and I realize that I should have just let God do the work from the beginning.  Sometimes I get really resistant, I know, you're thinking "Nicole, be rebellious and stubborn?! Change doesn't necessarily always come with open arms and perhaps that may be why trials have to happen because if it wasn't for humbling experiences we wouldn't change on our own.

We have such a small grasp on life, what is meant for us, what/where we will go and be. Certain trials and obstacles come along that throw us off the desired and planned course and it seems as though it is the end of the world, until our life takes a new direction and we finally realize WHY things needed to change.  Today I had a glimpse of why my life has been somewhat turbulent. For the past year and a half I was placed in this department at work where I essentially had no room to grow in and every time I would be so resistant to leave the department because I felt that it meant I wasn't doing a good job.  I had the opportunity to work in another department today where I flourished and had a lot of fun in the process.  It made me stop and realize that just because things don't work out in an aspect of our life, it doesn't mean we failed, it simply means there is a better fit out there for us.

Fall.

Is my favorite. The leaves begin to change colors (not in California) the weather becomes brisk, and I get happy. If I could pick my favorite season it would be fall. My favorite holiday, Christmas (but because I LOVE to give presents), Thanksgiving, Halloween, all come to mind with this change in season. I wish I lived in a place where I really saw seasons but for now, I'll settle with 65 degrees. It has been scorching hot lately so this change is highly appreciated. There's nothing I enjoy more than going for a walk, drinking hot cocoa (I'll wait for it to get a little cooler for that) and wearing boots!

Happy fall :)

Thankful.

Quite the turn in perspective from my last post but hey, everyone needs to vent every now and then :) I can't be anything less than completely happy at this moment, I just finished two days of amazing gospel-centered messages.  If you missed General Conference or don't know what it is, I urge you to click this link and be ready to have your socks knocked off! https://www.lds.org/general-conference/october-2012-landing-page?lang=eng

Quite a few times I found myself overwhelmed with gratitude for this gospel and for the love of my Savior (even brought to tears) . I wanted to clarify, although I may be in the midst of some trials, I never once doubt the love my Savior has for me, nor do I wish I did not have these trials for I know they shape and form me into the person I am meant to be. No matter how many trials we have in our life, there is always SOMETHING to be grateful for, there are always blue skies just waiting for the clouds to pass.

Rough Patch.

Last night I came home from a photo shoot only to find my hot water was broken. After pining through my phone for people that lived in the near vicinity that I could use their shower, I decided to rock it old school like my grandma and boil hot water on the stove. In case you're wondering, that's a lot of pots to boil but I was determined to have a hot bath after the day I'd had. I could go as far as saying the month...or two for that matter but who is counting? I'm not one to complain but having to hold my head strong for everyone around me has been tough when I'm so engulfed in trials. My friend Beca used to always say that since my life was so exciting she, "lived vicariously" through me. Yesterday she said, I'm tired of living vicariously through you, your life sucks right now. Truth be known, I agree. Although I'm not quite like Job, I am feeling his pain. There is not one area of my life that isn't being attacked right now.

Love. (I'm in love with a guy that no one compares to. A guy that stole my smile almost two months ago when he left. My best friend and the only man I've ever truly loved. I've realized that being without your best friend in the midst of trials is the worst)

Family. (My brother, man I love that man more than anything, is going through the roughest time of his life and I just want to wrap my arms around him constantly. I'd take his place for him if I could)

Health. (I just went to get my final results from the last surgical procedure and still nothing. They want me to swallow a camera but in the meantime I haven't been able to eat anything without bloating up like a balloon for three months)

Work. (If I knew why, I'd be a millionaire, but the Human Resources girl at my work has it out for me and she's making my life hell. Just yesterday I was told people don't like me, I am not good at my job and I'd never get hired into a position in my department. I hate how easily that woman makes me cry)

School. (I'm in two of the hardest and demanding classes I've been in thus far and knowing that I'm quitting in November gives me no motivation)

Church. (To say my calling is tough is an understatement. I feel like a dr that is always on call. I don't get much help from my counselors and barely come up for air.)

I keep trucking but man, last night I had a slight breakdown with the Lord in my prayers. Trials come so we can learn, I can't figure out what I'm missing and why all this is happening...right now at the same time! I'm trying to stay positive but I'm only human. I do love and am grateful for my best friend Cait because without her and of course the scriptures and the temple, I'd be lost.

One Key to a Happy Family

Dieter F. Uchtdorf's most recent talk in the Liahona.

One Key to a Happy Family

The great Russian author Leo Tolstoy began his novel Anna Karenina with these words: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”1 While I do not have Tolstoy’s certainty that happy families are all alike, I have discovered one thing that most have in common: they have a way of forgiving and forgetting the imperfections of others and of looking for the good.

Those in unhappy families, on the other hand, often find fault, hold grudges, and can’t seem to let go of past offenses.

“Yes, but …” begin those who are unhappy. “Yes, but you don’t know how badly she hurt me,” says one. “Yes, but you don’t know how terrible he is,” says another.

Perhaps both are right; perhaps neither.

There are many degrees of offense. There are many degrees of hurt. But what I have noticed is that often we justify our anger and satisfy our consciences by telling ourselves stories about the motives of others that condemn their actions as unforgivable and egoistic while, at the same time, lifting our own motives as pure and innocent.

The Prince’s Dog

There is an old Welsh story from the 13th century about a prince who returned home to find his dog with blood dripping down its face. The man rushed inside and, to his horror, saw that his baby boy was missing and his cradle overturned. In anger the prince pulled out his sword and killed his dog. Shortly thereafter, he heard the cry of his son—the babe was alive! By the infant’s side lay a dead wolf. The dog had, in reality, defended the prince’s baby from a murderous wolf.

Though this story is dramatic, it demonstrates a point. It opens the possibility that the story we tell ourselves about why others behave a certain way does not always agree with the facts—sometimes we don’t even want to know the facts. We would rather feel self-justified in our anger by holding onto our bitterness and resentment. Sometimes these grudges can last months or years. Sometimes they can last a lifetime.

A Family Divided

One father could not forgive his son for departing from the path he had been taught. The boy had friends the father did not approve of, and he did many things contrary to what his father thought he should do. This caused a rift between father and son, and as soon as the boy could, he left home and never returned. They rarely spoke again.

Did the father feel justified? Perhaps.

Did the son feel justified? Perhaps.

All I know is that this family was divided and unhappy because neither father nor son could forgive each other. They could not look past the bitter memories they had about each other. They filled their hearts with anger instead of love and forgiveness. Each robbed himself of the opportunity to influence the other’s life for good. The divide between them appeared so deep and so wide that each became a spiritual prisoner on his own emotional island.

Fortunately, our loving and wise Eternal Father in Heaven has provided the means to overcome this prideful gap. The great and infinite Atonement is the supreme act of forgiveness and reconciliation. Its magnitude is beyond my understanding, but I testify with all my heart and soul of its reality and ultimate power. The Savior offered Himself as ransom for our sins. Through Him we gain forgiveness.

No Family Is Perfect

None of us is without sin. Every one of us makes mistakes, including you and me. We have all been wounded. We all have wounded others.

It is through our Savior’s sacrifice that we can gain exaltation and eternal life. As we accept His ways and overcome our pride by softening our hearts, we can bring reconciliation and forgiveness into our families and our personal lives. God will help us to be more forgiving, to be more willing to walk the second mile, to be first to apologize even if something wasn’t our fault, to lay aside old grudges and nurture them no more. Thanks be to God, who gave His Only Begotten Son, and to the Son, who gave His life for us.

We can feel God’s love for us every day. Shouldn’t we be able to give a little more of ourselves to our fellowmen as taught in the beloved hymn “Because I Have Been Given Much”? The Lord has opened the door for us to be forgiven. Wouldn’t it be only right to put aside our own egotism and pride and begin to open that blessed door of forgiveness to those with whom we struggle—especially to all of our own family?

In the end, happiness does not spring from perfection but from applying divine principles, even in small steps. The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles have declared: “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

Forgiveness is positioned right in the middle of these simple truths, founded on our Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. Because forgiveness connects principles, it connects people. It is a key, it opens locked doors, it is the beginning of an honest path, and it is one of our best hopes for a happy family. May God help us to be a little more forgiving in our families, more forgiving of each other, and perhaps more forgiving even with ourselves. I pray that we may experience forgiveness as one wonderful way in which most happy families are alike.

Life is Too Short. (and so am I).

I am a people pleaser. I tend to do things for everyone else but myself, making sure others are happy and at ease and in the midst of it all, I forget myself.  Unfortunately, we don't have control over anyone's happiness but our own.  We can do and act in sincere and kind ways but whether or not those good intentions and deeds are recognized is not within our control.  

After running around for eleven straight hours today,  I paused to think that perhaps I am burning my wick at both ends. Certain areas of my life, yes, I will remain vague, I feel that I have been putting myself out continually only to be let down or disappointed and I suppose I have reached my breaking point. I am not saying that one should EXPECT things when they bring forth good deeds but I am saying that we shouldn't exhaust ourselves on the same situations and people if we know it is only going to hinder our own happiness. 

Think about the people or things in your life that are draining and perhaps it is time to let them be.  You can't constantly fight for love and appreciation that others do not want to give.  You can't make someone love you, you can't make someone appreciate you, you can only do your best at bringing forth Christlike attributes and in so doing, the right people will acknowledge and reciprocate that love.

Simple Things.

I was reading in Genesis yesterday and came across a verse;
"The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence."

My little pea brain couldn't wrap itself around that thought. How was the earth corrupt before God if God created the earth. I tried to delve into the scriptures but I had to leave for meetings so I figured I'd just approach it later.

Later became in Sunday school where I asked two people what that scripture meant. They were puzzled as well and didn't have an answer. I asked one more person if he had any clue what it meant and within seconds he replied, it was corrupt before God, as in, in front of God. The lightbulb went off and there was an ah hah moment. How the heck did I miss something so simple? And how many things in the scriptures are like that that people misunderstand?

With General Conference coming up this weekend I want to train myself to search for the simplicity in things. Sometimes our brains over think and we miss the answers right in front of our eyes.