Easter.

It's Easter Sunday, a day where I should be celebrating with my family, the sacrifice that our loving Savior has made on our behalf and instead, I am sitting here alone in my apartment, eating a strawberry crepe, and trying not to cry. Holidays have been difficult ever since I joined the church in 2008. At first they were a time when my mother could lash out at me, tell me something which I as a Mormon believe (of course it was something she researched on the internet and was informed I believe said fact), now they have become much harder. Since joining the church my mother has never had one conversation with me about the church. I say conversation because to me, a conversation includes two people, with two viewpoints, discussing a certain topic. She has never asked me what I believe, rather told me what I believe and whenever I tell her I would like to talk to her, she gets flustered and tells me that I will just shut her out. When I joined she told me I was going to turn against my family and have a new family. I have never pushed my family away, they are the ones that push me away, mainly out of ignorance, but it hurts.

The first year of Mormonism family functions were awkward, I was told I couldn't have soda, or told certain things about the religion and I would just have to say, no, that isn't true. I think my mother thought it was a phase, I would be Mormon for a short period and then be on to something else. The second year of Mormonism, my family didn't accept my choice but they began to realize it wasn't a phase and that I was sticking with this. Things stayed pretty much the same until I was endowed in February of this year. Since being endowed, my mother has upped her criticism, has told me I am brainwashed and many things along those lines. She treats me as if I am possessed, or as if I have Satan in me (this is no exaggeration) and today was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I drove down to Orange County yesterday and did a session in the Newport temple, I was so excited to get myself in the right spirit for Easter Sunday. My mother found out that I went to the temple and I suppose that was grounds for her to not speak to me today. We went to my great aunt's house in Santa Monica so I just drove from Hollywood and everyone else met there. She barely said five words to me and quickly hugged me and rushed out when she was saying goodbye. My aunt caught a glimpse of my garments as my top shifted while eating and reached over touching my garment stating, "oh, your new garment is pretty."

pause.

I hadn't told any of my extended family that I went through the temple which immediately sent the red flag that my mother had been talking, and who knows what she has told me. I feel like I am constantly in an intervention, that the family is trying their hardest to "bring me back to the good side" and it is saddening. I also found out that my brother thinks I am part of a cult as well. My question is, what do I do that proves I am part of a cult? Have I done anything that classifies me as a Satan worshipper? Where can they possibly get away with these assumptions? As my sister-in-law was saying these things to me it took everything to hold my tears back.

I love this gospel more than anything and I knew from the beginning this was going to be a battle. I never want my children to feel this way, to feel as if they are not loved because they love their Heavenly Father, it is the worst feeling in the world.