Who Do I Want to Be?

Sometimes my mind is all over the place. Scratch that, a lot of the times my mind is all over the place. I find myself constantly making to-do lists of things that I don't want to forget. I suppose with my calling of RS President that list of things never seems to dwindle. Three important questions tend to have a running tab within my mind;

1. Who am I?
2. Who do I want to be?
3. How do I need to act to become that person?

The first two are easy. We grow up thinking we know the answer to who we want to be and at different stages in our life who we are changes.  I watched this documentary called Happy not to long ago. The first question people were asked all around the world was, "What do you want most out of life?" The answer was to be happy. So, how do we become happy? As mechanical as this response may seem to some, to me, being happy means living the gospel, having a personal relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father. So now my question for myself is then, if happiness is living the gospel and having a personal relationship with the Savior and Heavenly Father, two things I am actively doing, why am I not happy right now?

My only explanation is that I am letting worldly things get the best of me. My heart is sad and I am having the hardest time moving past things, no matter how hard I try. My work is not the best, I am not challenged and have become the punching bag for the HR lady. I have decided to end school, it is just not what I feel I want to do anymore, and again, I don't feel challenged.  As you can see, my mind is going crazy, where to go, what to do. I finish school in November, I am month-to-month on my apartment lease, and my job is simply paying the bills. I suppose my next question would be, where do I want to go? And how do I need to act to become the person I want to be.

Life changes, it throws new curve balls in that change up our desired path. I do not know what the future holds but I do know that I have a lot more joy, happiness, and direction, even in the midst of trials, than I would if I didn't have this gospel.

Trials.

We were all told that we would have trials, it is not a matter of IF we will have trials, but WHEN we will have trials.  I suppose the purpose in this life is to prepare ourselves so that when those trials come around, we are not caught completely off guard. I have never really had health issues but for the past two months I can change that statement. Doctors have tried everything to figure out what is wrong with my system and why I can't eat without issues.  Although I am glad to know on paper I am fine, physically, I am not. On Thursday I underwent another procedure where I had to go under anesthesia.  The anesthesiologist joked with me that he shouldn't be seeing me for another 20 years with these problems but nonetheless, we don't choose when our trials and problems arrive, we just handle what we are dealt with.  Over a month ago I made a commitment to read my scriptures daily and I do believe that is what has gotten me through this storm I would like to call the past two months. Every whirlwind I can think of, from love life, to family, to health and work has been dished up on my plate and when the burdens of life seemed too much to handle and the thought of giving up crossed my mind, I am reminded that the only way we grow in life is to go through the refiners fire.

3 Nephi 9, "Small things are given to us first to try our faith and then if we believe, greater blessings shall come."

I know that my faith is being tried but I also know that the greatest blessing we can receive in this life is that of eternal marriage. Knowing that also lets me know that the greatest trials precede the largest blessings. I will weather this storm with obedience because I trust and know that Heavenly Father will bless me accordingly.

30.

I woke up on this morning, channeled Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles and studied myself in the mirror—though instead of looking for breasts, I was searching for wrinkles. I felt mildly depressed: I looked the same as when I went to bed! What was all this hype about turning 30?!

I must admit that I haven't conquered the world or made billions of dollars and impacted millions of lives through my example,  but I do have a sense of accomplishment as I write this post on my thirtieth birthday.

People always say they wished they'd accomplished more or that they were at a different place in their life when they reach certain milestone birthdays but I say with confidence that although there are many more things on my to-do list, I'm no where near ashamed or upset at where my life currently stands. Not only does today mark my physical birthday, four years ago on September 13, I made the righteous decision to make sacred covenants with my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ to join the one and only true church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

My life is no where near perfect. I am not married with a white picket fence, a dog, and three kids. I don't have my dream job. On the contrary, I find myself constantly on my knees daily as I strive to be the woman my Heavenly Father would have me be. I am constantly learning as I am shaped by the trials I am blessed to meet. Amongst all the learning and growing and undiagnosed health issues, today I find myself genuinely happy.  As I reflect upon my life thus far I know...

-What it means to be a true friend.
Listening to people is much more important than talking your head off.

-What it means to have charity and to accept people for who they are.
Judging people or looking down upon people because they are different than you is not a good way to go through this life and it definitely doesn't make you any better than them! I had a friend tell me the other day that she could tell me anything and she knew she wasn't judged. It is my desire that all who come in contact with me feel that over pouring love and support.

-That pizza is always a good option for dinner.
When in doubt, eat pizza.

-That people will let you down, even those you love the most but the Lord never will.
We are human and we are flawed, but that is perfectly ok.  I have learned that when I put my trust in the Lord first, he can mend and shape any relationship I have in my life, even when it seems impossible. If I gave up on my family when they first turned their backs with my decision to join the church, what kind of example would I have set?

-That I can run a marathon, or two, and half marathons as well.
Last year I made a New Year's resolution to run at least six half marathons, well... that didn't happen BUT I do know that I can run them because I ran two in 2011 and a marathon in 2007 and 2008.

-That what you can or can't accomplish all lies within your own confidence.
If you tell yourself you can't do something, then you won't do anything.  You have the power to do whatever you want... you are the only person stopping yourself!

-That anthropologie can make me a happy girl.
Do I really need an explanation here?

-That true, eternal love never dies.
I believe in love, true love, because I have experienced first-hand.

-That distance can't get in the way of true friendship.
My best friend Cait is in Spokane, Washington and although I do not see her nearly enough, true friendship cannot be destroyed by distance.

-That I never think I'm good enough at many things. I am my own worst critic.
I know this is something I need to work on, maybe in the next 30 years I can perfect this. I always think I can do better, I always think others are better, and I always want to be better. Although I know it is healthy to desire to be better at things, I have learned never to compare myself to others.  Everyone has weaknesses, everyone has strengths and if we all had the same strengths and weaknesses this world would be a VERY boring place.

-That traveling not only educates a person but also provides life experiences one may of not learned.
I didn't start traveling until I was 26 and I wish I started earlier. I love traveling and will never stop.

-That money does not buy happiness.
Common misconception. I could have all the money in the world but if I didn't have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior, wasn't with the love of my life, and didn't have my family, I would be miserable. Happiness to me is in the small and meaningful things.
 
-That I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I thought I knew, but I don't.

-That my brother is one of my most favorite people.
My brother inspires me.  He is a great man, a great father, and he makes me laugh.

-That it is perfectly ok to admit you don't know things.
No one expects you to know everything. Admitting you don't know things is not a bad thing. It is ok to be humble!

I am sure there are many more things I have learned throughout my time here on earth but currently, these thoughts are first and foremost on my mind. I care less about numbers of friends and more about the value of true friendships. I care less about only what's best for me and more about how I can better use my talents to help others.

Thank you for knowing me, whether it is recent or we have known each other our entire lives, you make a difference in who I am as a person! Now let's celebrate... carnival style!

Unshaken.

The other day I heard a quote from Elder F. Enzio Busche, “Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts.”

I continue to think about that quote and what it means to let questions arise, but never doubts. What is the difference between questions and doubts? When I was young I was always told I asked too many questions, however I believe that asking questions is the only way you will learn! Doubt is a sign of fear and fear and faith cannot coexist.

Jacob had an experience where a man hoped to shake him from the faith. A conversation took place that could have allowed doubt to creep into his heart, but it didn’t. Two verses help us to understand the reason why. “And he had hope to shake me from the faith, notwithstanding the many revelations and the many things which I had seen concerning these things; for I truly had seen angels, and they had ministered unto me. And also, I had heard the voice of the Lord speaking unto me in very word, from time to time; wherefore, I could not be shaken.” (Jacob 7:5)

If we expect to learn from the Lord, we have to remember the moments when we have heard the voice of the Lord. We ALL hear the voice of the Lord, it is up to us however, to identify how he speaks to us. What does the whispering of the Spirit feel like in your heart? When are the moments when you remember experiencing that whisper? Were you in a sacred place? To avoid doubt and to remain unshaken, we have to remember the moments when the Lord has spoken to us, from time to time, and to acknowledge and express gratitude for those moments and then remember what we have learned.

Listen for His voice, and let His spirit pour over you until you become unshaken.

I'll Never Forget.

Seems to be the title and most common post on Facebook today as well as on the news and quite frankly I find that these social network trends are beyond annoying. Yes, eleven years ago today many innocent people were killed in a very tragic accident but do we need to publicly tell everyone and their mother (if their mother is on Facebook) that we will never forget things? Yes, you do forget, you forget every year until that exact day when images and news reiterate what happened. So many people say that they learned courage and strength and unity and yet their posts yesterday and tomorrow will reflect vengeance and hatred towards someone that cut them off or did something ill intended. Although I do have a Facebook account and do have a blog, I don't feel I need to proclaim to 5000 friends on one specific day about how I honor those firemen and police that helped and how I remember those families that lost loved ones. How about we honor people every day of our life, seek to give joy and meaning in each day and not just one day a year?

Marriage.

My old roommate and good friend sent me this video with high recommendation. I know that it is almost an hour long but it is completely worth every minute.

Harden My Heart.

My iTunes was on shuffle and the song 'Harden My Heart," by the rock group Quarterflash (big hit in the fabulous 80's) came on. I was singing away and I stopped for a moment to think as I said the words;

I'm gonna harden my heart, I'm gonna swallow my tears...

I immediately thought back to my scripture study this morning in 3 Nephi and how they continued to harden their hearts which kept them from accepting the truth and becoming fully converted to Christ. Although the theme of the song is clearly about a breakup of some sort, when things don't tend to go the way we have planned we are always left with agency on how we respond, do we harden our hearts or do we embrace the change? When we harden our hearts we become unteachable, never to learn from our mistakes and in essence making us subject to fall into the same pathway of mistakes somewhere in our own future. I want to be as teachable as I can, I want to learn from my mistakes so that I may grow, I want to soften my heart a little each day so that I am quick to forgive, easy to teach, and slow to anger.

Wish List.

I am never easy to buy presents for.

If I want something, I usually buy it for myself and the things I don't buy for myself, are usually too expensive for someone else to buy for me.  With that being said, here is a list of my 30 year old wish list.

1. Most amazing dress ever, Size Small:
http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/clothes-new/25249780.jsp

2. Shootsac: http://shootsac.com/shootsaclensbag.aspx

3. Canon 35mm 1.4 wide angle: http://www.bhphotovideo.com/c/product/162614-USA/Canon_2512A002_Wide_Angle_EF_35mm.html

4. JCrew Café capri in Pop Art polka dot- Petite Size 4: http://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/pants/cafecapri/PRDOVR~76958/76958.jsp

5. DV by Dolce Vita: Size 6.5: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006VM2CKM/ref=s9_simh_gw_p309_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=09R89E7RS8AGBDMEFBKC&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=1389517282&pf_rd_i=507846

and that is all I can think of for now.
The one thing I REALLY want can't be bought with money.

Yes.

I love this song. I love this rendition. You should love it to.

Questions.

It's times like these that I wish I had a father or a husband that I could turn to for spiritual guidance.  This weekend one of my friends, who is a Jehovah Witness, her husband posed some questions to me. Not that I doubt or would change my faith but he posed questions which made me think.  He asked what God's name was.  Now if you asked me I would say that the earth was created by three personages, Elohim (God), Jehovah (Jesus), and Michael (the archangel who later is Adam).  But he told me that Elohim is plural for Gods, that which I knew but while reading Bruce R. McConkie's, The Mormon Doctrine, he states that when referred to Elohim as a person it means the God of all God's, the Almighty God. I guess my question that I pose to others out there that may read this is, if Jehovah is Jesus, why in Moses is Jehovah referencing God, is it because Jesus is the God of Israel?

Also- he asked why Mormons participate in politics and fight in wars.  He stated that Jehovah Witnesses stay neutral so that they don't fight amongst their members. I know that the LDS are neutral as a church but encouraged to participate in politics. Her husband mentioned something about how Jesus stated we shouldn't be involved in politics, (I am not sure where that is at, but the question was posed and I don't know the answer).

He went on to ask me about the military because JW's don't participate in the military either.  He said what if we had a war with Sweden and in Sweden there were a bunch of members, we would then be fighting against members of our own faith.

All logical questions and I will continue to study them on my own, I just wanted to ask for advice for any of you smart people out there.

September.

I have high hopes for you mighty September! August was definitely not my favorite month, especially the week of the 21st when my car was keyed by a shopping cart, I got a $68.00 parking ticket, and found out I owed $639.00 for a $15 fix-it-ticket I forgot to take care of on time (all in the span of 3 days). Most people would have thrown in the towel and as tempting as it would have been I thought to myself, "bring on these trials!"

September on the other hand, I feel we are going to get along very well and you are starting with a four day weekend! Today I started out my morning with a massage, it was 60 minutes of pure bliss and then went to the Huntington Library in Pasadena and the gardens were absolutely beautiful. I rarely find gardens as serene as those in Europe but this one was a close second! Next weekend I am shooting a wedding, the 13th I turn the big three oh (frightening), and my birthday party is on the 15th... carnival style.

I have to say, I thought I would be in a much different place at thirty years old, I think everyone feels that way when they reach a milestone birthday. I cannot say I regret the way my journey has taken me it was just perhaps not the exact path I would have chosen for myself. I bought a book today and I am going to start it on my birthday. It is called, One Good Deed a Day. Each day has a deed, for example, "Forgive someone, Volunteer, Return all of the items you take into the dressing room to their original spots instead of leaving them in the dressing room." I plan on making a commitment to do one good deed a day (at least) throughout this next year and who knows, perhaps one of my good deeds will be just for you :)