Heavy Heart.

I write this post with a heavy heart but know that it is only temporary. Let me take you back to this weekend. I had a Catholic baptism that I shot for my friend on Saturday and afterwards headed home to Orange County. Mom had mentioned she had this prayer box that she made right next to her bed and that if I had any prayer requests, I should put them in there. On Sunday morning I was getting ready for church while she was already at her church and just felt the urge to open the box and read her prayers that were already in there. It wasn't with surprise that I read her prayer request, in fact, I knew that would be just what was in there. Nonetheless, it was sad to actually read it. I suppose sometimes you wish that your expectations or assumptions would be wrong. Enclosed was a note that read the following:



I contemplated how I would address this, what I would say, would I not say anything at all? It weighed heavy on my heart however to say something, to address it with an honest heart and with love. I asked my friend Cait, what I should say, that I was having a hard time putting everything to words and she said, just be honest. That was great advice and I was able to write a very beautiful letter that expressed how I felt and what the church means to me:

I have been thinking a lot lately about things you have said and things that you feel regarding me and my choice to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I want you to know that I am writing this email with love and it is not my intent to upset you or make you mad. I know that it bothers you, weighs heavy on your heart, but you have never told me why you feel the way that you do. You have mentioned that you feel that I have been brainwashed but I my question again is what would make you think that or give you that impression? I am not trying to be rude or condescending, I honestly want to know if you feel I have changed as a person or as your daughter? Do I act different towards you? I ask these questions because something is making you feel so strongly against me and my decision and if it is based on real evidence and knowledge of how I am acting or treating you, I want to know. If it based on something you have read or seen against the church, then I want to tell you that it's not fair to believe those things if you have witnessed for yourself that I am a good person, that I treat my family with love and respect and that although you may not understand the church, that from the times you have been there, you have seen and heard us sing about and talk about the Savior. It makes me sad because from the beginning you have told me that I was going to push you away or that I would find a new family within the church, because you have read things that pertain to that, but I honestly feel that because you have that mindset, you are the one that pushes me away because you are expecting me to be like all of the things you have read. I don't want another family, I love you and everyone else in my family.

You have said before that we have different Gods, that couldn't be further from the truth. I believe in the same true and living God that created this earth, that sent his only begotten son to establish a church, call 12 apostles, walk amongst us, and die for our sins. Mormonism may be foreign to you and I completely respect that. You may not believe that there is a current prophet on the earth today, or believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, but even so, even if what I believed was wrong, that prophet on the earth today only testifies of Heavenly Father. He doesn't tell us to do crazy religious ceremonies or worship other beings. I guess my request is that you respect my choice to be a member of this church as I respect and love you for not being one. I love you more than anything and I know that you want my best interest but I promise you, no one is brainwashing me, these are my true feelings and although I can tell you until I am blue in the face, why I believe the things I believe, I can only lead by example. I remember writing you a letter the day I was baptized with that same message, that I could tell you, but you would have to see to know. I don't feel that any of your assumptions about the church or about how I am going to act or not act are true. We can both argue back and forth about it but we really have to look at what we know from experience, not what another person tells us to believe. I am not sure what you have read or saw, but I do know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that my Savior died for my sins and that I live each day as a witness of his love. My decision to go through the temple recently was of my own choice, no one coerced or made me do that. Contrary to whatever anyone has said, the temple is about the Savior, about Adam and Eve, there is nothing inside the temple about Joseph Smith, I do not worship Joseph Smith, I love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I do respect and honor Joseph Smith as a prophet for what he has done, but I do not worship him.

Yes, temple work is about doing work for those that have passed, but how awesome is that? No one is forced to believe or accept the Savior but we know that to enter heaven we must be baptized by the correct authority through immersion. People on this earth that die without having the opportunity to accept the gospel or know Jesus Christ should not and are not lost causes. We don't just die and that is that. In heaven we continue to learn and grow. If baptism by immersion is required in order to enter heaven, how can a dead person be baptized without a body? That is what temple work is about, we do the work for those on the other side. Sure that may seem odd or different but that doesn't mean we are a cult or doing anything wrong. We spend numerous hours, dedicating time to help others.

You may not know this but for a while, after I joined the church, I struggled with things. I guess I thought being obedient, reading, praying, obeying the commandments, meant I would have all these great blessings, I would get married and have kids and when that didn't happen, I was sad. I tend to forget that things happen on God's terms and just because they don't happen when we want, doesn't mean we stop following or obeying our Heavenly Father. Well, I stopped reading my scriptures, which is the same bible that you read, you can look at my scriptures and compare them to yours. Yes, Joseph Smith has interpretations of scriptures but they are not within the actual text, they are in another place in the back of the scriptures. I stopped praying and I was in a really sad state, and was not doing things I should have been doing. It took stumbling for me to realize how confident I am about my membership in the church and how grateful I am for the fullness of the gospel. I forgot my worth as a daughter of God and tried to fix my unhappiness with instant gratification. That may not make sense to you but it's all within the bible how we are expected to live our lives. Sadly, most everyone chooses to only take bits and pieces of scripture that they want to apply to their life and obey and disregard everything else. It may seem weird, or abnormal, but that is not the life I want to live.

I am sorry that you feel so strongly against the church. I know you have claimed there is no evidence but I am not sure what type of evidence you are searching for. Every time that I ask you to tell me what you disapprove of or why you are against the church, I don't feel like there is ever a straight answer. I am not mad or upset, I just want to know why you feel the way you do and there may not be an answer to that. I do respect you and know that you love me but I ask the same from you. I am still your daughter, I am still Nicole Priest. Sure, I have grown spiritually and my understanding of my Heavenly Father and Savior has grown, but what is the harm in that? You know me, you know I am a strong person, you know I wouldn't just do something or be someone that I do not fully believe in. I obey the commandments, I read the scriptures, I pray to my Heavenly Father, the same Heavenly Father that you pray to, this is something you really need to understand. You can believe the things that you read, I can't force you otherwise, but I really do ask that you just take a moment and ponder me and who I am and what I am telling you I believe. I would have no reason to lie or tell you something that wasn't true.

I love you and I hope you see and understand that and don't take this email to be rude or mean or me trying to impose my beliefs on you.