Sunday, March 23, 2014

Everything will be alright in the end and if it's not alright, it's not the end.

I returned home from my trip yesterday and was a mess. Home to face a stack of bills and reality. There are reasons I went to every country I visited and part of me still questions why I ventured to certain parts of the world, but with an empty suitcase, lots of emotions to sort through, and a box of pizza I began to process life. I wouldn't say much was accomplished last night, outside of diminishing a pizza, but as I went to church this morning my friend Rob gave me a lot of good advice.

I often wonder why I am a member of this church, what my purpose is, why I am a photographer... the laundry list of questions goes on and on. Personally, it is hard to have so many questions without any answers. It is hard to digest that sometimes in life, you simply don't know why things happen and you never will. I had a breaking point last night where I just wanted an end to all of the crap, the pain. I understand why we go through trials, but in the midst of them, the last thing I want to do is understand.

On my recent trip out of the country I sought closure for some things in my life. Sometimes, even though we are seeking closure, when we receive it, it can still be hard to accept. Today when I talked to Rob, he gave me really sound advice, opened my eyes to perhaps things I already knew but needed to hear from an outside person. Sometimes we hold on to things in life because we want them so badly to work, we convince ourselves that we won't have another opportunity for happiness, and in the process settle for anything, even if it is painful. There is only so much that you can do in your own human power, you can't change a situation or people, you can only control yourself and your thoughts and your actions.

This year has been about rebuilding from the ground up, which is never easy. Every time that I think I am headed in the right direction, I feel as though a wave comes crashing down and I have to start all over again. I suppose I keep setting the reset button so I can get things right, I just wish I could catch on so I wouldn't have to keep starting over. I watched a movie on the plane ride home, it was amazing: The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. There was a line in the movie, "Everything will be alright in the end and if it's not alright, it's not the end."

It's not the end, in fact, things are so chaotic that is must mean it is just be beginning and I am going to have one heck of a story!

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