Alone.

I'm sure one day I will look back upon this time of my life and have some incredible story about my faith and how I grew close to The Lord as well as strengthened my testimony however right now, I'm finding it hard to see that day. 

Today I was released from my calling as Relief Society president. I so vividly recall the day I was called and remember how difficult it was for the previous president. I didn't understand the way she was feeling and I have to admit that numerous times throughout my calling, I'd dreamed of the moment I would be released, but today as I was released and the new president was called, I felt empty. I felt alone. I felt lost. 

I made a promise this morning while doing my scripture study that I would stop murmuring and begin looking at the bright side of things. Satan must have gotten word of that and thought he'd give me an extra jab, pour a little salt on the wound. I need to stay positive and know that The Lord has a distinct purpose and plan for me and aging out and moving on is one of them. 

Add it to my list of transitions. Someone once told me that the 30's are a refining process. I feel like Job. 

I'm gonna keep trucking along because all too many people give up when they are close to the finish line, they just never knew how close they were. 

Dreams Can Be Reality.

I had a friend tell me lately that when you want something, put all of your effort and energy into attaining it. I'm not talking with relationships or materialistic items, although to each their own, I am speaking more about goals and future possibilities. If you want to be something or do something, focus all of your efforts into becoming better and doing better so that you can achieve that thing. For me personally, that thing would be photography. I struggled countless times over the past six years with identifying myself as a photographer. Everyone seems to think that if they have money and can buy a camera, they're deemed a photographer. In response to my statement hesitance with this trade, a friend once said, everyone also thinks they're a good person too.

The fact is, if you want something set your mind to it. Don't just go and think that things are going to come your way or be made easy for you, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. After much pondering and prayer, I came to the conclusion what I feel my dream job is. I'm shooting high and I know it, but that doesn't stop me. There's nothing that says I can't do what I have desires to do. I can just as easily make myself the best candidate and fit for any job as someone else. With my undergraduate degree in technical and professional writing, and my inate ability to capture beautiful photos, I know that this is something I would truly love and enjoy.

Dream job; to be a photographer and writer for National Geographic's traveling magazine. Mark my words, I will attain this goal whether it be in five years or in 10 years, it is something I feel I won't stop until I have reached. Writing your goals down on paper can be a very therapeutic exercise. To me, writing things down makes them  more concrete and holds myself accountable. I read an amazing blog post this morning about transitions and how they're only in the moment theyaren't lifelong struggles and although we want to get out of them and learn the lesson quick, sometimes that's just not what happens. My hat is off to this amazing opportunity, to give myself the time and effort needed to become what I want to be and of course to become accustomed to the Lord's timing rather than my own.

You Deserve the Best.

My friend Brandon made a comment the other day that has resonated in my mind. While talking about dating and life, he made the comment that sometimes it just takes the right person to change your view on relationships. I suppose Brandon could have been viewed as somewhat of a player. As the lead singer of the band and an attractive guy, he tended to play the field, until he met Haleigh. All too often you hear excuses of why relationships don't work out. However valid those excuses may be, the truth of the matter is the guy (or girl) just wasn't that interested. If a guy is interested he will work past struggles, and together you will do what it takes to make everything work. Observing the transformation in Brandon and seeing how great he treats my friend Haleigh really gave me insight into what I deserve and what I know is out there. Brandon said he wakes up every morning and thinks of how he can make Haleigh happy. I think that that is just so amazing to know that there's someone that's out there that can think that and want that. We sell ourselves short in the dating world. We settle for less than we deserve because we think it's all that we deserve.

I'm not saying that anyone is perfect, because that doesn't exist, but I am saying that you should be with somebody that makes you feel like a million bucks. I have dated three guys this past year. A friend asked me if I were on the bachelorette which one would I choose. After narrowing it down to two, I said, "can I just get a combination of the two?" 

Growing up I loved the quote, "never settle for anything less than everything." Somewhere along the line I forgot that quote and began settling. As difficult as it may be when things don't work out with someone we're interested in, I have to realize that the Lord only wants the best for me, and sometimes what I think is the best is nowhere near what he thinks is the best.

Unexpected. Unplanned...and Uncomfortable.

If I asked to take away the pain would I only be cheating myself of the blessings? With all trials come blessings, at least in my experience nevertheless, amiss all the knowledge in the world, when you're in the middle of a storm, nothing seems possible, nothing seems fair, and surely nothing seems like it will ever make sense. 

I jokingly told my best friend that I'd like to erase the last 3 years of my dating life, the heartbreaks, the hard lessons, and the confusion. Although I know I've learned and grown, as I sit upon another broken heart, I wonder when things will ever make sense. My friend Christa gave wise advice last night as I pondered the course my life has taken and the approach of my 31st birthday, "I'm just not where I thought I'd be." Christa shared a story about her grandmother and how she had asked her when things starts to make sense, when you figure things out, to which the 70-year-old replied, "I'm still figuring things out." We set milestones with expectations and believe we have failed when we don't meet them. 

Returning home jobless, loveless, and famliless (mom and I had a major falling out), makes things tough. Although I appreciate the kind and encouraging words, they go in one ear and out the other as I lack the capability to see the bright side of things at this point. Inately I KNOW things will work out, not how I planned, rather as The Lord planned, but I still struggle in the moment. Nine hours is a long time to be alone with ones own thoughts, the mind is capable of so much. 

Time essentially is the only answer and perhaps facing what is most uncomfortable will be most beneficial.