Simplicity.

If you were to ask me if I were simple, I would probably say yes. Almost 3 weeks ago I lost my job, an event that I feel has made me become more simple. The luxurious things that I may have found a necessity have now become something I do not need. I have been dating a guy that has also made me value simplicity. I think it is in our nature to make simple things more complex. Dan has the ability to make me really think about things for what they are rather than what my mind would like to fill in the blanks for what it should be. I find myself taking offense or putting added emotion and expectations into something that is meant for face value. I'm not sure what will come of this relationship in fact, it is the hardest relationship I've ever been in, but I do know that within this time I am able to restructure the way that I think. When I question what is so hard, I realize that there's growth and change that needs to occur in myself, something I am normally too stubborn to do. I can be cold and insensitive, I can overlook others' emotions when I feel that they are overreacting. Dan challenges me,  he makes me think about things that I normally wouldn't think, he challenges me to be a better person, to be more open, to be more simple. Stepping out of your comfort zone is not always easy but it sure can be worth it

You're Fired.

One week ago, I was the reciprocate of the terrifying and much dreaded words. Although there are the stresses of, how will I pay my bills?,  I have not had more peace than experienced throughout this past week. Embarrassed and ashamed I didn't know how to feel. The waythat a company executes the firing process can be quite inhumane. I felt as though I was a criminal when they told me I was not allowed to return to my desk. I suppose being fired for working overtime, really isn't the worst that things could've been. You see, I worked in the IT department for a private investment firm. We have many offices around the world and I would answer emails and respond to things outside of my normal business working hours. While working, I would clock in and clock out. Because I had not asked for previous approval, I was fired. Not written up. Not given a warning. But fired. After the expected tears, I began to think, I never want to sit in an office again. All too often we become complacent in our lives. We stop challenging ourselves, forget about continued learning and simply work as a means to provide income. I knew that my talents were not being utilized but I also knew that I was making great money and would probably never leave on my own. It's funny how God works. I feel that all too often we are given these trials which allow us to emerge and show our true talents. I've been doing photography for quite some time but have lacked the ability or confidence rather to pursue it fill time, until now. So, as I pack my bags and head to Utah for the next month, to explore different opportunities behind the lens, I have a such peace about things. I had to ask myself the question, what has God given me that I need to bless others with? We are not given talents to simply sit on them rather we are given talents to bless the lives of others. I'm excited for this new adventure. Although there may be some parts of me that have hesitance I know that with faith all things are possible.

Nothing Ever Comes Fast.

Unlike the ripping-off of a band aid, important news or decisions rarely come fast. I have been sick to my stomach and worried about my job since yesterday when I was pulled into the HR office to discuss my time card. I work from home/my phone and clock in and out when I do that-which I gather would have been fine had I asked for permission but since I never asked to do that, and just assumed, I'm in a heap of trouble. 

Sitting in anticipation of their final decision or action to the situation has left me feeling like I just had a horrible break up. I can't eat. I can't sleep. It makes me wonder why we as humans do this to ourselves. These types of situations are completely in our control. Only I can control how I react to the predicament I am in. Only I can change how I act in the future and no one can change the past or take anything back. With that being said, why do I worry over things that I can't control? Why not just think of ways that I an improve myself and become a better person? 

I had a moment of analysis last night as I decided I was this horrible person, that isn't a good employee, nor a good RS president, and the list went on. There is so much that I need to improve on in my life, although I know there will always be things I need to improve on, I beat myself up on my weaknesses. 

Lists. They are efficient. I made one today of some goals that I have. When it's in writing it tends to hold me accountable. I'm struggling with reading my scriptures, not just forcing myself to read them but actually reading and enjoying them. I've become lazy. Lazy with many aspects of my life and I don't like the direction this is heading. Only I can take control. Only I can alter the path I am headed down. 

Five.

I have lived in LA for just under three years. Within the three years I have been in five accidents. Prior to living in LA I had never been in any accidents. I thought perhaps this meant that my car had a bullseye but I've come to realize that people in Los Angeles simply don't pay attention. 

It's been somewhat of a rough week so needless to say, when I went to CVS last night I was somewhat at my whits end. As I went to park, a lady was taking a long time to back up out of her parking space. There were a group full of girls in a beetle behind me. As I got out of my car one of the girls laughed and said, "horrible driver ha ha." "Excuse me?" "Are you saying I'm a bad driver?" She proceeded to laugh while pointing at my driver side car and said, "look at that dent, clearly you're a bad driver." As my skin boiled and my patience dwindled I looked at her and said, go F yourself. I walked away and couldn't believe that I let these girls get the best of me. I grabbed my detergent, walked back to my car, and proceeded to leave the parking lot. Add a standstill waiting to leave the parking lot I felt and heard a crash. In my rearview mirror I could see a man in his Mercedes in my passenger rear side. 

Are you kidding me? Was my first thought as I exited the car. The man was yelling, he was yelling and claimed that it could be buffed out, there was no need to report things. His demeanor would lead one to believe he was not one that wanted the law involved. We exchanged information as I told him I didn't care who he got to fix it, asking as it was fixed. 

I drove home with tear filled eyes and an outpouring from the stressful day only to find a piece of artwork I've been waiting on for two months to be delivered on my doorstep...broken in two pieces. I often think things like this happen that throw us to our breaking point to keep us humble. For whatever reason challenges come, I pray that today is better on many levels.