Pictures.

A friend of mine got married recently. After looking at the pictures my initial reaction was regarding the age difference.

 

Another friend is going through a divorce, which came as a shock. I told him they looked so happy together, he responded, “We take great pictures.”

 

The saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words,” is true… but what exactly determines those thousand words? Our imaginations can run wild.  We can look at a picture and immediately have 50 thoughts running throughout, including an immediate way to pass judgment.  They are too thin. Too fat.  Too short.  Too old.  Too dorky.

 

I think we all live in somewhat of a fantasy world.  We like to believe that just because people are smiling in pictures that makes them happy.  I believe true happiness lies within a person’s eyes.  While doing a photo shoot for a musical, the character headshots all had to represent a certain persona.  The expressions on the face were spot on but I continued to control their eyes, make your eyes more sad, more happy, etc. A smile is easy to put on, but eyes are the pathway to one’s soul.

 

I believe the gospel is the way to happiness, the way to filling the soul with a smile through one’s eyes. As simple as that sounds, we make it so difficult to maintain- resting our happiness on others, waiting for them to make us happy rather for us to make ourselves happy.

Ho Hum.

Some days are harder than others, I suppose this feeling may never subside and it is just a part of losing someone you care about. I still remember her voice. It always frightens me when the time comes when you forget their voice. I have a video of her saved, although it isn’t much, it is something.  She is my inspiration and what keeps me on the straight and narrow.  I want to see her again and I know through Heavenly Father’s Plan of Salvation, I will.  I have been thinking a lot lately about life and all that jazz, which is potentially dangerous sometimes haha. My mind likes to wonder and think and analyze. There are few things I know in life that are definite, but the few I know, I know well.

I may not know WHAT Heavenly Father’s plan is for me, but I know there IS a plan. 
I may not know WHEN I can run again, but I know I can walk.
I may not know WHERE I will be in a month- physically, personally…, but I know I WILL be somewhere. 
I may not know WHY my health sucks, but I know I AM alive.

The common denominator I see in my life is patience. Life is about growing and learning and those growing pains sure can be a pain.

 

 

Everyone's a Therapist.

I try and stay positive  but there are just some days that really get the best of me, yesterday being one of them. After spending four hours in a court room trying to fight a red light ticket and losing $498 I went to physical therapy. As I walked into the room and he asked how I was, I told him I didn't want to talk about it. It seems to me that in my life when things are going bad I tend to add up every negative thing in my life and have a personal pity party. My car has a huge dent from a semi truck, my school loans are atrocious, red light tickets are consuming my paychecks, a wedding I was really depending on the money for my down payment to move was canceled, and the list goes on. Not wanting to sound like a poor helpless soul, I decided it would probably be best for me to keep to myself during my PT session. And like any woman a moment of silence and I decided I wanted to talk. "I know you're not my therapist, you're only my physical therapist, but…" With a smile on his face he replied, "it's all the same." If you think about it, he's right. You talk to your hairstylist. You talk to your doctor. You talk to pretty much anybody that you make an appointment with. I had so much frustration consuming me that I struggled with being conversational. I simply had to come to the already known conclusion that life isn't fair and money is just money. Getting so caught up in a situation is a weakness of mine. It's difficult to step outside and breathe. To realize things could be worse. It always amazes me how lying can get you free and clear, at least to some extent but that's an extent I'm not willing to take. Every single one of the people in court for a red light ticket that lied and said it wasn't them was excused. The person (me) that simply claimed not guilty and that the light went off prematurely, the honest truth, had to pay...while having a court date scheduled where I have to return again. 

Enough of my rant. Crap happens. Life isn't perfect and I suppose if you can weed out the negative things and focus on the positive, even though they may seem minimal, you'll be a happier person...even if you are $498 I'm arrears. 

Opinions.

Everyone has them. 

As I found myself sitting in the Bishop's office last week to talk about the sisters, he asked how I was doing to which I replied, "I'm depressed." The natural question that proceeded, "Why?" 

..."I can't run, I think I'm fat and ugly, I had an eating disorder for three years and I'm never happy with myself, I'm always tied..."

He waited until I finished my rant and said, "First off, don't feed yourself lies. You're not fat and you're not ugly. If you're not happy with your weight, you can say, I'm not in the best shape I could be in but saying you're fat, is a lie."

He went on to say that when others pay me a compliment, I need to accept it. It is their opinion and has nothing to do with my own perception of myself. "It's like artwork," he said, "everyone always likes different pieces for different reasons and you can't tell them they are wrong for liking a specific piece because it is THEIR opinion." 

I paused to think about the words I had heard him say, he was right. Opinions are opinions...if they are a compliment, accept them. I suppose the point goes in hand with the video Dove posted on YouTube about beauty. We all beat ourselves up, think we are dog poop, and never give ourselves enough credit. Let another person tell you how amazing you are and stop being so critical. 

Time is Money.

Last year I volunteered to do a photo shoot for the musical, Spring Awakening.  I had never shot anything to that extent and felt that the experience would be good for my portfolio. One year later I was asked to shoot for the musical, BARE. Seven hours of shooting, pure exhaustion and a realization that my time is worth a lot of money. Something that people don't understand when hiring a photographer is how much time goes in to post production. Although I try to get everything perfect in the actual shot, there is always something that needs to be touched up in Photoshop. On average, one photo takes 10 minutes and that is simply making sure there aren't flying hairs, dark circles under eyes, and occasional blemishes. Multiply that by 100s of pictures and the time adds up. People also don't understand that there are certain times of the day that is horrible for pictures, ie 3:30 pm when the shoot was scheduled to happen outside. Not enough warnings could let the producer know this was a poor choice for timing- until today when I told him I refused to used any of the group shots outside with shadows and wind. I just wish people would listen when you advise them, rather than waste time and then have to reshoot. At any rate- As a photographer you can choose your clients and if they are difficult to work with, don't work with them again.  

After a long day of shooting I decided to treat myself to a nice steak dinner...at least I had high hopes of it being nice. After a sub-par $80 meal, a complaint to a server at no avail, and a complaint to a manager, I have a free dinner for two if I choose to go back. Saturday was long. Sunday please be relaxing to me. 

I've Got A Case of "Greg."

I have a good friend Greg that is notorious for making plans and canceling them at the last minute. On the receiving end, it bothers the heck out of me.  Lately, Greg's unbecoming trait, has worn off on me. Perhaps my recent need to work 100 hours a week and shoot photography at least once a week has left me drained. I find myself constantly making plans and booking up my schedule sometimes even overbooking. In the moment, in my mind, I always think there is enough time what I hate to do however, is plan time to recoop. I find myself faced with choices of, should I go do that do that social activity or does sleep and relaxation trump my plans?

Mom called the other day to ask if I'd be in Orange County before Chad's birthday (July 4th) to which I replied, I've got a photo shoot for an off-Broadway play this weekend, shooting a bar mitzvah next weekend, a wedding the following weekend, and moving the first weekend of July. Being the caring woman she is, she replied, make sure you take time for yourself. Although money may be great my longevity means more! Now I just have to find some relaxing things to throw into the mix of my life. 

Energy, Where Have You Gone?

There was a time when I didn't wake up every morning tired. I'm not quite sure what I did that was different or how I can get back to that stage but I really miss it. I don't believe that the world NEEDS caffeine to function, however popular demand would imply otherwise. I've consumed more energy drinks in the past 2 months than my entire life. I've also gained weight, which I contribute to my lack of running from my injury...but it's raised the question if the sodium in energy drinks is any contribution. From 2009-2011 I had an eating disorder, which has left my perception of myself and others quite whack and in turn made me extremely critical and down lately. On Saturday while talking to my Bishop, he asked how I was doing, proceeded by a long pause, "I'm depressed...I miss running." It's funny, when you CAN run, you take it for granted, when you can't, that's all you want to do. Oddly, that principal applies to so much. We always want to do the things we can't. 

I'm not sure when I can run again but I miss the energy and great feeling it provides. Physical therapy sucks, I'm bad with "homework" aka exercises, and am impatient (as you read yesterday). With multiple things in life I truly do believe the Lord wants to teach me patience and since I haven't learned it, I keep getting trials haha. You'd think I'd catch on and perhaps now that I'm writing my thoughts down, that means I am. 

On and on we go.

For anyone that knows me, they know how little patience I have, and how much I need to work on it… maybe I should consider this my lifelong goal, but the other day I was ready to simply “throw in the towel.” The only glamorous thing about Los Angeles is, well, the stars. Now for those of us that don’t care about the stars (yours truly) then what is the draw to this city? Last Wednesday I went to a hoity toity party at STK.  It was their anniversary party which meant for a nice little party filled with alcohol, aspiring/ current actors, and collagen.  Outside of the nice ambience, my favorite part of the night was my steak (which I must say was the best steak I have ever had).  I highly recommend trying this joint before you leave Los Angeles, slightly pricey but well worth the money. 

 

On Thursday I was invited to yet again another collagen-filled party. As I drove up to the valet at the Sofitel and he informed me how much it was to park, I quickly spurted out, I am too cheap to pay that, but thank you! Opting to save the extra $20.00, I parked in the mall across the street and walked over. I can’t remember the last time I saw so much plastic surgery- the women were either in really great shape, or … not. My friend who put on the party said, the ones that aren’t are the ones with money. Quite sad that the only way you can “fit” in in this city if you aren’t a skinny model, is if you are funding the skinny model, or some other investment. Like clockwork, the average question when you meet someone…

 

“So, what do you do?”… “Oh, do you enjoy that?”

 

I kept wanting to say, “I am a proctologist, yes, I enjoy looking at a’holes all day.

 

By Saturday I was burnt out. Over Hollywood. Over Los Angeles. I had been cut off, flipped off and ripped off. In complete frustration I called Stevo and said, “I hate this city, you can never get ahead in life, everyone is always out to get you, and if you can’t do anything to advance their career, they could care less about you. How all the party conversation should go is, “Hi, what do you do? Oh, um, well, you can’t do anything to help advance me in my career so… I will go talk to someone else.” I have honestly never lived in a city where no one cares about you, where it is each and every man for themselves. I am sorry, but I can’t be friends with someone just because they are “famous.” I also don’t want a friendship that I am only invested in to achieve higher success in my career. I do however enjoy friendships where I get unexpected letters in the mail that make me smile, thank you Cait :) and…

 

I bought a Dyson.

I am moving in 20 days.

I am getting a new website.

I went blonde again.

I am attending physical therapy and my knee is getting better.