Panic.

As I was sound asleep at 5am dreaming of something spectacular I'm sure, I awoke to my mother, "Nicole, I hate to wake you up but did you move your car, because it's not where you parked it last night." 

Within 5 seconds I'd sprouted up, rubbed my eyes and ran to the window to look for my car, all the while thinking about getting the cash to get my car out of the impound and how it would affect my plans to go to Disneyland today. My car was there, exactly where I'd parked it, just not where my mother had thought it was parked. 

I immediately thanked God. You have to have a permit to park where my mom lives and I wasn't planning on spending the night there and forgot to move my car to the street. It amazes me how quick the mind can go into a state of worry and consider every possible situation without any proven facts. Which leads me to wonder, why do we worry...about things out of our control? Fear and faith cannot coexist. Worrying wouldn't have changed whether or not my car was towed but it was my first response. Perhaps I can train myself to have peace and comfort as my first response. If we could all just be as carefree and happy as this little buddy of mine. 

Gifts.

If I could tell you one thing about myself, it's that I love giving gifts. With that being said, I'm usually a horrible gift receiver. I don't know how to accept presents from people and more often than not I'm more interested in giving someone else something that is meaningful and thoughtful. I received a gift today that really made me stop and appreciate not only the gift, but the gift giver. 

I "graduated" from the singles ward back in September- when you're single and Mormon, or shall I say, until you're married and you're Mormon, if you fall between the ages of 18-30, you attend the young single adult ward. When you get married, or in my case, when you turn 31, you move on to a family ward. Not being raised in the church I really wasn't sure what to expect with a family ward and in fact, I was actually quite hesitant to transition. 

Fast forward to my first day in the ward when I met Rob and Gretta Whalen, the most amazing couple ever. Gretta has been such a blessing in my life, truly. She's absolutely gorgeous both inside and out, with a voice of an angel, style like an Antropologie connoisseur, witty like the most educated scholars, a walking gospel brainiac, and a personality that attracts everyone. Her humorous, charming, talented, and bearded sidekick, Rob, is just as swell. Together they are dynamite. My friends are friends everyone wants and needs. 

Gretta, in addition to all of her above listed amazing attributes is a phenomenal writer and works for the Hadley Impact Consulting, who paired with a National Geographic photographer and made a documentary about forgiveness. Gretta does all of their social media and when they were planning their launch event for the film, Beyond Right and Wrong, this little angel referred me. Not only did I get to hang out with my favorite couple last Thursday, I had some wonderful networking opportunities that I'm forever grateful for and know they wouldn't have been possible without Gretta. I mention all of this because today, Gretta gave me the most adorable bracelet, elephant book, and the best card I've ever read, when all the while I feel I should have been thanking her. 

So here it is, my thanks to you Gretta, for being such an inspiration in so many ways. Thank you for being in the right place at the right time so we could meet, thank you for having confidence in my business to work with you professionally, and thanks for letting me call you my friend. I love your face. 

Forever Valentine.

I'm not much on Valentine's Day, probably because I don't have anyone to buy something for (I have a problem with buying people I date things...lots of things). I also can't stand the negative and lonely single people that cry all over Facebook or any other public social forum that will listen. Today would have came and went like any other Friday, if it wasn't for Goose.

When I had decided to do Goose's work, I say decided but I just mean, when I began planning the schedule of her work to be done, I knew I wanted to do her baptism and endowment at her year anniversary and although I could have easily done all of her ordinance work in one day, I chose to do her sealing (a marriage not til death do you part, but for time and all eternity) on Valentine's Day so she could spend her first day in the celestial kingdom on her birthday, February 15. 

Today was such a special day. My first thought was to wear the traditional red outfit for Valentine's Day, until realizing, this is her wedding day in essence, I should wear white! My friend Stevo wore an elephant tie, my grandfather loved elephants, and we drove to the temple. The spirit inside the sealing room was strong. The sealer, Brother Mardon C. Lamb turned to me and asked who the name on the card was, I replied, "my grandmother." He continued, "did you know her? Can you tell us a little about her?"

With tear-filled eyes I began telling everyone about my grandmother and grandfather and how special it was to do their work for them. I cried quite a bit during the ceremony, tears of joy of course, and as the sealing came to an end, Brother Gabbatis turned and said, "now you've gone and made me cry, I never cry." It was such a special experience to be able to be there and perform this amazing work for Goose. I have no doubt that they are sealed for time and all eternity and that this is the best birthday present she could ever have. I'm grateful for their love, I'm grateful for making them eternal valentines, and I'm grateful for the temple. 

Clever Gnomes.

Last night I hung out with a friend I've known for almost 5 years. I figured we were just going to dinner but he caught me my surprise when he said there was more. John is headed on a trip to Ireland next week and I am headed to Sweden, Switzerland, and Russia so he came up with the bright idea that we would get little garden gnomes, take them with us and compete for who could take the best picture, creative gnome placement, and location. The winner gets dinner on the other person. 

Neither John nor I knew how difficult it would be to find a gnome, which added some adventure to the quest. We began at Home Goods, where the sales consultant had to ask what a gnome was (they didn't have any), then went to Home Depot, where John could have sworn he saw them (they didn't have any), then on to Target, (they had a small selection but nothing like a traditional gnome), and them to Wal-Mart where we found our gnomes. They were great, just a little too heavy and larger than desired but we took what we could get and left. Unfulfilled, John wanted to stop at Walgreens and CVS. CVS had some cute Disney gnomes but they weren't any smaller. 

I'm excited for my challenge and feel bad for John that he made a photo contest with a photographer, but maybe that's me being overly confident. Either way, these gnomes are about to have some fun!

Here is our first picture with the gnomes. 

Frazzled.

I looked at the calendar and realized I will be leaving the country in 17 days. I'm usually an orangized person, having details layed out and somewhat of an outline for my trip, not this time. 

On March 1 I fly to Sweden. Sweden had never been a top destination on my radar but when a direct flight on Norwegian air was only $182, I booked a flight faster than I could think of a plan. I wasn't making lots of money with photography at home, so I figured it would be a better opportunity to go photograph overseas and sell those prints. My destination in mind was Russia, not for the Olympics, the unfriendly people, or the negative digit climate, but for Babooshka. 

I moved into my apartment in July 2013. Every day when I came home from work, I noticed this elderly woman sitting at the front steps people watching. My grandmother had recently passed away in February and the elderly woman reminded me of her. I would try to talk to her but she didn't speak. I would try to smile at her but she didn't budge. I continue to walk pastor and smile every day. After three months, I received a nod and a smile. I couldn't speak any Russian and she couldn't speak any English but I wanted to photograph her. I snuck a photograph of her from my two-story apartment building of her walking down the corridor. For Christmas, I decided to blow up the photograph and give the family. It was at this encounter that I realized Babooshka, Anna, had talked all about me to the family. She would try to speak to me in Russian because I looked Russian. The family pulled out a world globe and showed me where Anna was from, A small town about 10 hours south of Moscow, called the Voronezh. Something came over me and I had this urge to photograph her town, to get to know Anna, to know where she grew up. I felt this connection to this 97-year-old woman and I couldn't figure out why. No words that ever been exchanged, only smiles and hugs. 

I began telling my family and friends I was headed to Russia and their response was not quite pleasant. Russia is unsafe, it isn't a good place to go. Even the Russian family next-door said that they wouldn't feel safe going and hasn't been back since 1995. I began to doublethink my trip. A Russian visa was over $200, I didn't speak the language, and I was hearing that it was unsafe. Then I decided to look up the town on Mormon.org and found that we had a meeting house there as well as meeting a woman in the temple that had served your mission with a friend that lived in Voronezh. Those two simple inclinations were all I needed to book my Russian visa. 

I still remained without any plan, outside of knowing I was flying into Sweden and out of Copenhagen and making a stop in Russia... until last night that is. Last night with the second kick I received around 11 PM, I booked all of my flights and trains for the entire stay. I fly into Stockholm on March 2 and will be there in untill March 5. On March 5 I fly to Geneva Switzerland and will fly out of Zürich Switzerland on March 12. From Zürich Switzerland I will head to Moscow where I will get on a sleeper train to Votonezh and spend 2 days in Anna's small town then head back on a sleeper train to Moscow. Once back in Moscow I will spend three days exploring the city then fly to Denmark where I will spend the remaining 4 days of the trip. 

I plan on photographing everything. Thailand was such a successful business opportunity and I have no doubt this will be either. I've got my winter coat and I'm ready to learn, grow, and explore!

Temples.

About a month ago I was called to serve as an ordinance worker in the Los Angeles temple. I say called, but it was something I felt that I should volunteer my time to do since I have such an open schedule with photography. I wasn't quite sure how much I would enjoy the time spent serving but I knew that throughout the experience I would be given the chance to really learn about the temple. I work every Thursday and for the past 3 weeks, I have watched my testimony regarding temples grow immensely. There is something so special and sacred about the temple which leads me to my most recent road trip, to Gilbert Arizona.

My cousin Brittnie, who also happens to be one of my favorite people, lives in Gilbert and in 2010 when the church announced the temple they would build there, I knew I wanted to go to the open house. After having food poisoning 24 hours prior, I wasn't sure I would be able to make the trip but nonetheless, just in time I was feeling spiffy and ready to drive. I hoped in my new car- after all, there is no better way to bond with your new car than a road trip, and headed down the open highway to Arizona.

Friday night I met Brit at work then we came home and watched a movie. Saturday morning we headed over to the Renaissance Festival in Apache Junction (you can check out my photographs from the day here: Renaissance Festival Pics) and then hurried back to shower and get ready to attend the Gilbert open house. Tickets were hard to come by and even though we had a 4:45pm reservation, we waited in a 30 minute line before even entering the church building. The spirit was incredibly strong and as a short video came on that talked about why we believe in temples, I began to cry. We exited the church building and made our way across the temple parking lot with the most breathtaking view of the sun setting on Moroni. Into the temple we walked down stairs to the baptistry, through the locker rooms, into an instruction room, through the celestial room, and ending in the sealing room. It was such an incredible experience to have my cousin and her boyfriend with me. I pray that everyone can have the opportunity to enter the House of the Lord, it truly is magnificent and the things that happen within the walls are simply incredible.

The following photos were all taken with my iPhone but I am headed there for some sunrise pictures on my camera tomorrow morning.

Families Can Be Together Forever

When I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in 2008, it pulled on my heart strings to learn that families could be together forever. In this world it seems that we are all too familiar with death and things that end abruptly, but to know that whatever the circumstances were in this life, that in the life hereafter I could be together with my family was a great belief and something I prayed was true.

As with any principle of the gospel, I have learned by personal experience that the temple is without a doubt the holiest place on this earth and the covenants made inside hold true for time and all eternity. Although I have struggled with the gospel, it is hard being obedient all of the time, we are only human, my testimony rests so firmly on the temple that I would never be able to deny the things I have seen and heard.

In 2008 I had done a bunch of family history work and was ready to bring my own family names to the temple to perform their work. I had a stack of family names and was going through which names to bring in the temple when I came across my grandfather's card. I paused for a moment and then thought, "I can't take his name in, I should have asked my grandmother." (although acceptance of the gospel and the ordinance work that we participate in the temple rests upon the agency of those whose work is being performed, it is customary to ask the next living kin if you can baptize an individual) I left the name in the car and proceeded to the temple doors when I felt a strong prompting to go back and get the card. The prompting continued and only got struggle so I decided to listen and went back for the card. Once in the temple I had a friend perform my grandfather's baptism.  As he was being confirmed the temple worker leaned over and said, "What is your relation to this man, were you close to him?" I replied, "He died when I was two." He continued, "Well he was close to you, or at least he is right now." I had two friends that went on to do his endowment that night and the worker came up to them at the end and said, "I always have a strong feeling when I perform my own family work but nothing like what I felt for that young girls grandfather."

February 3, 2014 marked the one year anniversary that my grandmother, "Goose," has been gone. I knew that I wanted to perform her work and had everything lined out. I would do her baptism on February 4, along with her initiatory and endowment and seal her to my grandfather on February 14 (Valentine's Day) so they could spent February 15 (her birthday) together for eternity! I had such high hopes since I had an incredible experience with my grandfather and my relationship with Goose was immensely stronger. I was careful with every decision down to what I would wear to the temple, including a blouse she had worn and personally made.

The baptism went somewhat array when her name was pronounced wrong, the initiatory was not as powerful as I had hoped, and while waiting for the endowment women wouldn't stop chatting about caddy things. I bowed my head and said a silent prayer that I would feel her in the temple. I went through the session and felt overwhelmed with the spirit as I entered the celestial room. I sat in a corner, bowed my head and closed my eyes to pray, when I was greeted by Goose. I saw her, in her perfect image, standing before me dressed in white with the largest smile I have ever seen. She was grateful and appreciative and beaming with light. The image of her was not like any photograph I had ever seen or any memory I had in this life, it was different, she was perfect! I saw my grandfather at her side. My tear-filled eyes couldn't stop as I reached for a tissue or something to contain my emotions. I wanted to stay in that room forever so I never had to leave her but I also knew in that moment that she would always be with me, she is always with me.

I have no doubt in my mind that families really do live together forever. I know this. I know that this gospel is true and I am forever grateful to be a part of something so amazing and to have such an unwavering testimony about temples.

What is my Purpose?

Sometimes I find myself wondering, "What is my purpose?"  What was I put on this earth to do, to accomplish, to see, who was I supposed to meet, to influence, to learn from? Questions like this tend to ponder my mind quite frequently as I am left staring in to space without answers. I was definitely unhappy sitting at a desk job from 9-5, but I wasn't unhappy with the money. I can't seem to base my decisions in life upon money alone however because we all know that doesn't buy happiness.  I don't feel like we were put on this earth to work our lives away without making any impact as with anything however some people just like to skate by with life, they don't need the challenge or the push to be extraordinary.  I however do. I can't waste my life away simply earning a paycheck, I need challenge, I need growth, I need growing pains. So, if I need these pains then why do I sit here wondering why things are difficult, after all, it is all a part of the plan.

Hard work has never come easy, it wouldn't be called hard otherwise. I suppose for myself, narrowing down what I want to accomplish in life is most important and fitting to my current situation.  If I know what I want, I can more effectively work towards accomplishing that.  Last night I went to a charity for a friend with cancer.  Dane Cook, along with Drew Carey, Skylar Stone, Jeff Ross, Christopher Titus, Bobby Lee, and Bryan Callen, were the entertainment for the night.  Although I didn't feel Dane was as humorous as his name holds him to be, it was interesting and more of a motivation speaking engagement as he said he got where he is because he willed it to happen. When we think positively and we actively focus on a goal, I believe wholeheartedly that we can achieve what we want.

I also want to date. I know, writing it down is like the worst thing you can ever do, it will come when you least expect it yada yada yada, but honestly, this dating in the church is a head ache and has really exhausted me to the point of no return. If there is an idiot, a man that doesn't know what he wants, a man that can send the most mixed signals, I have dated him. I often wonder if I will ever find my match or if I will simply end up the old cat lady. The last 5 years of my life, since joining the church, have been the most frustrating when it comes to dating and if there was anything I could change about the church, it would be the men, there I said it. I can't possibly be the issue, especially when the issue started when I joined the church.

With that being said, I tend to think I know what I want when it comes to men but apparently, I don't. Therefore, how am I sure that when I make my decision on what I want career wise, that I can be confident that is actually what I need. Man, when I sit down and have breakfast with God one day, I sure am going to have a laugh at all these hurdles and jumps that seemed as if they were the end of the world.

But I want to buy something!

Time and time again I sit here looking through Facebook and other friend's posts and get sad that I can't just go off and go on a shopping spree.

Since August, and losing my job, I have become quite humble in my spending. It's quite difficult to go from spending $5000 a month to wondering how you're going to pay your rent. When it comes down to it, I really don't need anything more, it's the stupid want inside of me that begins to take control. I love to shop and perhaps this is a wake up call and a sign from God that I need to evaluate my life and determine wants from needs. Why do we care so much what the latest fashions are, what the nicest car is, and what the prettiest decorations are in our home? When will enough ever really be enough? After spending time in Thailand, and getting to know the Asian culture, I realize that in America, we simply have to much stuff. 

At church, I was gifted a stylist consultation from another girl in the ward. We picked from a little Christmas tree anything from services to gifts and I struck gold. Ashley, the stylist, had made a joke that I didn't need her help. Granted, I did think I had good style and nice clothes but my problem was, I had too much and therefore I could never choose anything. Simplicity. Perhaps that's really what life is all about and although this may be a difficult learning curve for my previous spending habits to become acclimated to, it is something I'm in need of. 

So the next time I get sad because I can't buy a pair of shoes or new jeans, I should remind myself that they are WANs and not needs. 

Babooshka

There's an old woman that sits outside of my house every day at 5 PM. She sits on a small plastic chair with a handkerchief over her hair, the cutest little black shoes and a long dress. Every time I walk past her I smile and say hello. I've noticed that she doesn't speak English but she always smiles and nods her head. There's something about her, her eyes, that reminds me of Goose. 

I decided the other day that I wanted to photograph her. Knowing the language barrier would be an issue, I set out with a plan b, a translation on my phone asking to take her photo. I walked downstairs today and said, "Do you speak English?" 

She grabbed both of my hands and said something so endearing that I could not understand. Her eyes spoke to me and let me know the sincerity in her words. I tried to show her my phone with the translation but she waved her hand as if she couldn't read. I then said the only word I knew, babooshka- you remind me of my babooshka. I ran upstairs to get my camera, came downstairs and she waved her hand in front of her face as if she did not want her picture taken. 

Defeated I came upstairs and snuck a picture through the blinds in my window. I watched as she contined to look upstairs for me. As I left the house she grabbed for my hands again while speaking in Russian. The sweetest lady, I just want to be able to speak to her. 

Alone.

I'm sure one day I will look back upon this time of my life and have some incredible story about my faith and how I grew close to The Lord as well as strengthened my testimony however right now, I'm finding it hard to see that day. 

Today I was released from my calling as Relief Society president. I so vividly recall the day I was called and remember how difficult it was for the previous president. I didn't understand the way she was feeling and I have to admit that numerous times throughout my calling, I'd dreamed of the moment I would be released, but today as I was released and the new president was called, I felt empty. I felt alone. I felt lost. 

I made a promise this morning while doing my scripture study that I would stop murmuring and begin looking at the bright side of things. Satan must have gotten word of that and thought he'd give me an extra jab, pour a little salt on the wound. I need to stay positive and know that The Lord has a distinct purpose and plan for me and aging out and moving on is one of them. 

Add it to my list of transitions. Someone once told me that the 30's are a refining process. I feel like Job. 

I'm gonna keep trucking along because all too many people give up when they are close to the finish line, they just never knew how close they were. 

Dreams Can Be Reality.

I had a friend tell me lately that when you want something, put all of your effort and energy into attaining it. I'm not talking with relationships or materialistic items, although to each their own, I am speaking more about goals and future possibilities. If you want to be something or do something, focus all of your efforts into becoming better and doing better so that you can achieve that thing. For me personally, that thing would be photography. I struggled countless times over the past six years with identifying myself as a photographer. Everyone seems to think that if they have money and can buy a camera, they're deemed a photographer. In response to my statement hesitance with this trade, a friend once said, everyone also thinks they're a good person too.

The fact is, if you want something set your mind to it. Don't just go and think that things are going to come your way or be made easy for you, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. After much pondering and prayer, I came to the conclusion what I feel my dream job is. I'm shooting high and I know it, but that doesn't stop me. There's nothing that says I can't do what I have desires to do. I can just as easily make myself the best candidate and fit for any job as someone else. With my undergraduate degree in technical and professional writing, and my inate ability to capture beautiful photos, I know that this is something I would truly love and enjoy.

Dream job; to be a photographer and writer for National Geographic's traveling magazine. Mark my words, I will attain this goal whether it be in five years or in 10 years, it is something I feel I won't stop until I have reached. Writing your goals down on paper can be a very therapeutic exercise. To me, writing things down makes them  more concrete and holds myself accountable. I read an amazing blog post this morning about transitions and how they're only in the moment theyaren't lifelong struggles and although we want to get out of them and learn the lesson quick, sometimes that's just not what happens. My hat is off to this amazing opportunity, to give myself the time and effort needed to become what I want to be and of course to become accustomed to the Lord's timing rather than my own.

You Deserve the Best.

My friend Brandon made a comment the other day that has resonated in my mind. While talking about dating and life, he made the comment that sometimes it just takes the right person to change your view on relationships. I suppose Brandon could have been viewed as somewhat of a player. As the lead singer of the band and an attractive guy, he tended to play the field, until he met Haleigh. All too often you hear excuses of why relationships don't work out. However valid those excuses may be, the truth of the matter is the guy (or girl) just wasn't that interested. If a guy is interested he will work past struggles, and together you will do what it takes to make everything work. Observing the transformation in Brandon and seeing how great he treats my friend Haleigh really gave me insight into what I deserve and what I know is out there. Brandon said he wakes up every morning and thinks of how he can make Haleigh happy. I think that that is just so amazing to know that there's someone that's out there that can think that and want that. We sell ourselves short in the dating world. We settle for less than we deserve because we think it's all that we deserve.

I'm not saying that anyone is perfect, because that doesn't exist, but I am saying that you should be with somebody that makes you feel like a million bucks. I have dated three guys this past year. A friend asked me if I were on the bachelorette which one would I choose. After narrowing it down to two, I said, "can I just get a combination of the two?" 

Growing up I loved the quote, "never settle for anything less than everything." Somewhere along the line I forgot that quote and began settling. As difficult as it may be when things don't work out with someone we're interested in, I have to realize that the Lord only wants the best for me, and sometimes what I think is the best is nowhere near what he thinks is the best.

Unexpected. Unplanned...and Uncomfortable.

If I asked to take away the pain would I only be cheating myself of the blessings? With all trials come blessings, at least in my experience nevertheless, amiss all the knowledge in the world, when you're in the middle of a storm, nothing seems possible, nothing seems fair, and surely nothing seems like it will ever make sense. 

I jokingly told my best friend that I'd like to erase the last 3 years of my dating life, the heartbreaks, the hard lessons, and the confusion. Although I know I've learned and grown, as I sit upon another broken heart, I wonder when things will ever make sense. My friend Christa gave wise advice last night as I pondered the course my life has taken and the approach of my 31st birthday, "I'm just not where I thought I'd be." Christa shared a story about her grandmother and how she had asked her when things starts to make sense, when you figure things out, to which the 70-year-old replied, "I'm still figuring things out." We set milestones with expectations and believe we have failed when we don't meet them. 

Returning home jobless, loveless, and famliless (mom and I had a major falling out), makes things tough. Although I appreciate the kind and encouraging words, they go in one ear and out the other as I lack the capability to see the bright side of things at this point. Inately I KNOW things will work out, not how I planned, rather as The Lord planned, but I still struggle in the moment. Nine hours is a long time to be alone with ones own thoughts, the mind is capable of so much. 

Time essentially is the only answer and perhaps facing what is most uncomfortable will be most beneficial. 

Simplicity.

If you were to ask me if I were simple, I would probably say yes. Almost 3 weeks ago I lost my job, an event that I feel has made me become more simple. The luxurious things that I may have found a necessity have now become something I do not need. I have been dating a guy that has also made me value simplicity. I think it is in our nature to make simple things more complex. Dan has the ability to make me really think about things for what they are rather than what my mind would like to fill in the blanks for what it should be. I find myself taking offense or putting added emotion and expectations into something that is meant for face value. I'm not sure what will come of this relationship in fact, it is the hardest relationship I've ever been in, but I do know that within this time I am able to restructure the way that I think. When I question what is so hard, I realize that there's growth and change that needs to occur in myself, something I am normally too stubborn to do. I can be cold and insensitive, I can overlook others' emotions when I feel that they are overreacting. Dan challenges me,  he makes me think about things that I normally wouldn't think, he challenges me to be a better person, to be more open, to be more simple. Stepping out of your comfort zone is not always easy but it sure can be worth it