You're Fired.

One week ago, I was the reciprocate of the terrifying and much dreaded words. Although there are the stresses of, how will I pay my bills?,  I have not had more peace than experienced throughout this past week. Embarrassed and ashamed I didn't know how to feel. The waythat a company executes the firing process can be quite inhumane. I felt as though I was a criminal when they told me I was not allowed to return to my desk. I suppose being fired for working overtime, really isn't the worst that things could've been. You see, I worked in the IT department for a private investment firm. We have many offices around the world and I would answer emails and respond to things outside of my normal business working hours. While working, I would clock in and clock out. Because I had not asked for previous approval, I was fired. Not written up. Not given a warning. But fired. After the expected tears, I began to think, I never want to sit in an office again. All too often we become complacent in our lives. We stop challenging ourselves, forget about continued learning and simply work as a means to provide income. I knew that my talents were not being utilized but I also knew that I was making great money and would probably never leave on my own. It's funny how God works. I feel that all too often we are given these trials which allow us to emerge and show our true talents. I've been doing photography for quite some time but have lacked the ability or confidence rather to pursue it fill time, until now. So, as I pack my bags and head to Utah for the next month, to explore different opportunities behind the lens, I have a such peace about things. I had to ask myself the question, what has God given me that I need to bless others with? We are not given talents to simply sit on them rather we are given talents to bless the lives of others. I'm excited for this new adventure. Although there may be some parts of me that have hesitance I know that with faith all things are possible.

Nothing Ever Comes Fast.

Unlike the ripping-off of a band aid, important news or decisions rarely come fast. I have been sick to my stomach and worried about my job since yesterday when I was pulled into the HR office to discuss my time card. I work from home/my phone and clock in and out when I do that-which I gather would have been fine had I asked for permission but since I never asked to do that, and just assumed, I'm in a heap of trouble. 

Sitting in anticipation of their final decision or action to the situation has left me feeling like I just had a horrible break up. I can't eat. I can't sleep. It makes me wonder why we as humans do this to ourselves. These types of situations are completely in our control. Only I can control how I react to the predicament I am in. Only I can change how I act in the future and no one can change the past or take anything back. With that being said, why do I worry over things that I can't control? Why not just think of ways that I an improve myself and become a better person? 

I had a moment of analysis last night as I decided I was this horrible person, that isn't a good employee, nor a good RS president, and the list went on. There is so much that I need to improve on in my life, although I know there will always be things I need to improve on, I beat myself up on my weaknesses. 

Lists. They are efficient. I made one today of some goals that I have. When it's in writing it tends to hold me accountable. I'm struggling with reading my scriptures, not just forcing myself to read them but actually reading and enjoying them. I've become lazy. Lazy with many aspects of my life and I don't like the direction this is heading. Only I can take control. Only I can alter the path I am headed down. 

Five.

I have lived in LA for just under three years. Within the three years I have been in five accidents. Prior to living in LA I had never been in any accidents. I thought perhaps this meant that my car had a bullseye but I've come to realize that people in Los Angeles simply don't pay attention. 

It's been somewhat of a rough week so needless to say, when I went to CVS last night I was somewhat at my whits end. As I went to park, a lady was taking a long time to back up out of her parking space. There were a group full of girls in a beetle behind me. As I got out of my car one of the girls laughed and said, "horrible driver ha ha." "Excuse me?" "Are you saying I'm a bad driver?" She proceeded to laugh while pointing at my driver side car and said, "look at that dent, clearly you're a bad driver." As my skin boiled and my patience dwindled I looked at her and said, go F yourself. I walked away and couldn't believe that I let these girls get the best of me. I grabbed my detergent, walked back to my car, and proceeded to leave the parking lot. Add a standstill waiting to leave the parking lot I felt and heard a crash. In my rearview mirror I could see a man in his Mercedes in my passenger rear side. 

Are you kidding me? Was my first thought as I exited the car. The man was yelling, he was yelling and claimed that it could be buffed out, there was no need to report things. His demeanor would lead one to believe he was not one that wanted the law involved. We exchanged information as I told him I didn't care who he got to fix it, asking as it was fixed. 

I drove home with tear filled eyes and an outpouring from the stressful day only to find a piece of artwork I've been waiting on for two months to be delivered on my doorstep...broken in two pieces. I often think things like this happen that throw us to our breaking point to keep us humble. For whatever reason challenges come, I pray that today is better on many levels. 

Absence of Compliments.

Throughout an average week many people give and receive compliments. Unfortunately society has ingrained in others that when one receives a compliment they must reciprocate with the same compliment. For example, "you look really pretty today."  "Thanks, you do too." Whether or not the person saying the reciprocating comment means it, they feel obligated to say it. A friend recently told me that he doesn't reciprocate the comment but rather gives them when he feels they are due, in turn making the compliment more meaningful.  There is a catch, because we expect to hear a compliment when one isn't automatically given, we assume the negative. 

I had a boyfriend that always complimented the way that I looked. I got ready, I walked out of the room and he'd immediately tell me how beautiful I looked. Being one that cares about style, that always made me happy. Now, when I get ready and go out and don't hear the expected, "you look pretty," I automatically assume I've got the wrong outfit on and don't look my best. The same goes with photography. If I take photos and don't hear back from the individual after delivery, I automatically assume they weren't happy with the results. 

We come from a society where things are  expected. Where less is appreciated because its not original but rather a robotic response. I began practicing that outlook, not complimenting out of obligation yet out of sincerity. Some things are hard to retrain but the genuine compliments are priceless. 

Pavement.

On April 28 I tore my IT band in the Big Sur International Marathon. It was the most excruciating pain I had ever felt and wasn't quite sure when or if I would ever be able to run again. 

After an MRI and a definitive assessment of what was wrong, I was ordered to physical therapy, something I was not fond of. During those two and a half months he taught me how to retrain my muscles.

To stand different. 

To walk different. 

To build my core. 

To go without heels. 

And to strengthen my muscles all over again. 

Yesterday during our visit he released me to begin running, with baby steps. Basically, I'd be permitted to run for a minute. Walk for a minute. Run...walk. He looked at me and said, now I know you're going to do what you want to do but that's what I would advise you. 

Yes, he was correct. I wanted to go hit the streets and run 4 miles on my first day back, but I also knew I didn't want to end up regressing rather than progressing. So tonight, I was obedient ...somewhat, and ran for two blocks, then walked one, ran for two blocks, and walked one. My running stints were longer than a minute but I didn't push it hard. The fresh air, the beautiful streets (I love my new apartment and the location) such an incredible night!

I'm so excited to work my way up to really running again! 

Ring.

About a month for my grandmother passed away I took her wedding ring from her. The ring that she had worn for over 40 years was now on my hand. I wear the ring every single day. Last night while in a presidency meeting I rubbed my thumb on my ring finger and realized the ring was not there. In a frantic I searched everywhere; my car looked on the ground looked in my purse looked in my seat of my car and could not find the ring. Finally it dawned on me. I took the ring off when I was styling my hair. The relief that I had when I got home to find the ring was priceless. I went almost an entire day without realizing that the ring was gone. It made me think that perhaps sometimes we don't realize the importance of things until they're gone. 

Schooled.

My best friends tends to keep me in check when I fail to update the blog. I have been horrible, I know. Please forgive me?

 

Let’s see. I suppose the most excited thing that happened was a few weeks ago when I attended a funeral for a friend (hold tight… I am not morbid). So my friend’s mom died and I went to the funeral to support her. It was at a big cemetery, Forrest Lawn, and she said they were in the white chapel.  When I pulled up I saw a white chapel, parked my car and walked in. I leaned over to sign the guestbook and as I looked up I noticed that I didn’t see my friend. I walked closer toward the body and realized I was in the wrong viewing! Nothing like signing a guestbook for someone you don’t know! I finally made my way over to the other white building where my friend’s mom was and was able to sign the right guestbook.

 

Life has been hectic and all over the place, but I suppose that is what keeps us alive. One of my good friends is going through a divorce and that makes me sad. Her husband came home from work and decided he wanted someone he was more attracted to with bigger boobs… gee, inspiring. I know that life is hard and relationships are hard and marriage is NOT easy, but heck- really buddy? In light of all that heavy news- things have been hectic with work, both jobs, and lots of photo shoots, which means no free time for me. In the midst of all of this, I have managed to move from my lovely roach infested studio in Hollywood- to a nice big one bedroom in West Hollywood. And the best part of it all- there is parking… the small things in life.

Pictures.

A friend of mine got married recently. After looking at the pictures my initial reaction was regarding the age difference.

 

Another friend is going through a divorce, which came as a shock. I told him they looked so happy together, he responded, “We take great pictures.”

 

The saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words,” is true… but what exactly determines those thousand words? Our imaginations can run wild.  We can look at a picture and immediately have 50 thoughts running throughout, including an immediate way to pass judgment.  They are too thin. Too fat.  Too short.  Too old.  Too dorky.

 

I think we all live in somewhat of a fantasy world.  We like to believe that just because people are smiling in pictures that makes them happy.  I believe true happiness lies within a person’s eyes.  While doing a photo shoot for a musical, the character headshots all had to represent a certain persona.  The expressions on the face were spot on but I continued to control their eyes, make your eyes more sad, more happy, etc. A smile is easy to put on, but eyes are the pathway to one’s soul.

 

I believe the gospel is the way to happiness, the way to filling the soul with a smile through one’s eyes. As simple as that sounds, we make it so difficult to maintain- resting our happiness on others, waiting for them to make us happy rather for us to make ourselves happy.

Ho Hum.

Some days are harder than others, I suppose this feeling may never subside and it is just a part of losing someone you care about. I still remember her voice. It always frightens me when the time comes when you forget their voice. I have a video of her saved, although it isn’t much, it is something.  She is my inspiration and what keeps me on the straight and narrow.  I want to see her again and I know through Heavenly Father’s Plan of Salvation, I will.  I have been thinking a lot lately about life and all that jazz, which is potentially dangerous sometimes haha. My mind likes to wonder and think and analyze. There are few things I know in life that are definite, but the few I know, I know well.

I may not know WHAT Heavenly Father’s plan is for me, but I know there IS a plan. 
I may not know WHEN I can run again, but I know I can walk.
I may not know WHERE I will be in a month- physically, personally…, but I know I WILL be somewhere. 
I may not know WHY my health sucks, but I know I AM alive.

The common denominator I see in my life is patience. Life is about growing and learning and those growing pains sure can be a pain.

 

 

Everyone's a Therapist.

I try and stay positive  but there are just some days that really get the best of me, yesterday being one of them. After spending four hours in a court room trying to fight a red light ticket and losing $498 I went to physical therapy. As I walked into the room and he asked how I was, I told him I didn't want to talk about it. It seems to me that in my life when things are going bad I tend to add up every negative thing in my life and have a personal pity party. My car has a huge dent from a semi truck, my school loans are atrocious, red light tickets are consuming my paychecks, a wedding I was really depending on the money for my down payment to move was canceled, and the list goes on. Not wanting to sound like a poor helpless soul, I decided it would probably be best for me to keep to myself during my PT session. And like any woman a moment of silence and I decided I wanted to talk. "I know you're not my therapist, you're only my physical therapist, but…" With a smile on his face he replied, "it's all the same." If you think about it, he's right. You talk to your hairstylist. You talk to your doctor. You talk to pretty much anybody that you make an appointment with. I had so much frustration consuming me that I struggled with being conversational. I simply had to come to the already known conclusion that life isn't fair and money is just money. Getting so caught up in a situation is a weakness of mine. It's difficult to step outside and breathe. To realize things could be worse. It always amazes me how lying can get you free and clear, at least to some extent but that's an extent I'm not willing to take. Every single one of the people in court for a red light ticket that lied and said it wasn't them was excused. The person (me) that simply claimed not guilty and that the light went off prematurely, the honest truth, had to pay...while having a court date scheduled where I have to return again. 

Enough of my rant. Crap happens. Life isn't perfect and I suppose if you can weed out the negative things and focus on the positive, even though they may seem minimal, you'll be a happier person...even if you are $498 I'm arrears. 

Opinions.

Everyone has them. 

As I found myself sitting in the Bishop's office last week to talk about the sisters, he asked how I was doing to which I replied, "I'm depressed." The natural question that proceeded, "Why?" 

..."I can't run, I think I'm fat and ugly, I had an eating disorder for three years and I'm never happy with myself, I'm always tied..."

He waited until I finished my rant and said, "First off, don't feed yourself lies. You're not fat and you're not ugly. If you're not happy with your weight, you can say, I'm not in the best shape I could be in but saying you're fat, is a lie."

He went on to say that when others pay me a compliment, I need to accept it. It is their opinion and has nothing to do with my own perception of myself. "It's like artwork," he said, "everyone always likes different pieces for different reasons and you can't tell them they are wrong for liking a specific piece because it is THEIR opinion." 

I paused to think about the words I had heard him say, he was right. Opinions are opinions...if they are a compliment, accept them. I suppose the point goes in hand with the video Dove posted on YouTube about beauty. We all beat ourselves up, think we are dog poop, and never give ourselves enough credit. Let another person tell you how amazing you are and stop being so critical. 

Time is Money.

Last year I volunteered to do a photo shoot for the musical, Spring Awakening.  I had never shot anything to that extent and felt that the experience would be good for my portfolio. One year later I was asked to shoot for the musical, BARE. Seven hours of shooting, pure exhaustion and a realization that my time is worth a lot of money. Something that people don't understand when hiring a photographer is how much time goes in to post production. Although I try to get everything perfect in the actual shot, there is always something that needs to be touched up in Photoshop. On average, one photo takes 10 minutes and that is simply making sure there aren't flying hairs, dark circles under eyes, and occasional blemishes. Multiply that by 100s of pictures and the time adds up. People also don't understand that there are certain times of the day that is horrible for pictures, ie 3:30 pm when the shoot was scheduled to happen outside. Not enough warnings could let the producer know this was a poor choice for timing- until today when I told him I refused to used any of the group shots outside with shadows and wind. I just wish people would listen when you advise them, rather than waste time and then have to reshoot. At any rate- As a photographer you can choose your clients and if they are difficult to work with, don't work with them again.  

After a long day of shooting I decided to treat myself to a nice steak dinner...at least I had high hopes of it being nice. After a sub-par $80 meal, a complaint to a server at no avail, and a complaint to a manager, I have a free dinner for two if I choose to go back. Saturday was long. Sunday please be relaxing to me. 

I've Got A Case of "Greg."

I have a good friend Greg that is notorious for making plans and canceling them at the last minute. On the receiving end, it bothers the heck out of me.  Lately, Greg's unbecoming trait, has worn off on me. Perhaps my recent need to work 100 hours a week and shoot photography at least once a week has left me drained. I find myself constantly making plans and booking up my schedule sometimes even overbooking. In the moment, in my mind, I always think there is enough time what I hate to do however, is plan time to recoop. I find myself faced with choices of, should I go do that do that social activity or does sleep and relaxation trump my plans?

Mom called the other day to ask if I'd be in Orange County before Chad's birthday (July 4th) to which I replied, I've got a photo shoot for an off-Broadway play this weekend, shooting a bar mitzvah next weekend, a wedding the following weekend, and moving the first weekend of July. Being the caring woman she is, she replied, make sure you take time for yourself. Although money may be great my longevity means more! Now I just have to find some relaxing things to throw into the mix of my life. 

Energy, Where Have You Gone?

There was a time when I didn't wake up every morning tired. I'm not quite sure what I did that was different or how I can get back to that stage but I really miss it. I don't believe that the world NEEDS caffeine to function, however popular demand would imply otherwise. I've consumed more energy drinks in the past 2 months than my entire life. I've also gained weight, which I contribute to my lack of running from my injury...but it's raised the question if the sodium in energy drinks is any contribution. From 2009-2011 I had an eating disorder, which has left my perception of myself and others quite whack and in turn made me extremely critical and down lately. On Saturday while talking to my Bishop, he asked how I was doing, proceeded by a long pause, "I'm depressed...I miss running." It's funny, when you CAN run, you take it for granted, when you can't, that's all you want to do. Oddly, that principal applies to so much. We always want to do the things we can't. 

I'm not sure when I can run again but I miss the energy and great feeling it provides. Physical therapy sucks, I'm bad with "homework" aka exercises, and am impatient (as you read yesterday). With multiple things in life I truly do believe the Lord wants to teach me patience and since I haven't learned it, I keep getting trials haha. You'd think I'd catch on and perhaps now that I'm writing my thoughts down, that means I am. 

On and on we go.

For anyone that knows me, they know how little patience I have, and how much I need to work on it… maybe I should consider this my lifelong goal, but the other day I was ready to simply “throw in the towel.” The only glamorous thing about Los Angeles is, well, the stars. Now for those of us that don’t care about the stars (yours truly) then what is the draw to this city? Last Wednesday I went to a hoity toity party at STK.  It was their anniversary party which meant for a nice little party filled with alcohol, aspiring/ current actors, and collagen.  Outside of the nice ambience, my favorite part of the night was my steak (which I must say was the best steak I have ever had).  I highly recommend trying this joint before you leave Los Angeles, slightly pricey but well worth the money. 

 

On Thursday I was invited to yet again another collagen-filled party. As I drove up to the valet at the Sofitel and he informed me how much it was to park, I quickly spurted out, I am too cheap to pay that, but thank you! Opting to save the extra $20.00, I parked in the mall across the street and walked over. I can’t remember the last time I saw so much plastic surgery- the women were either in really great shape, or … not. My friend who put on the party said, the ones that aren’t are the ones with money. Quite sad that the only way you can “fit” in in this city if you aren’t a skinny model, is if you are funding the skinny model, or some other investment. Like clockwork, the average question when you meet someone…

 

“So, what do you do?”… “Oh, do you enjoy that?”

 

I kept wanting to say, “I am a proctologist, yes, I enjoy looking at a’holes all day.

 

By Saturday I was burnt out. Over Hollywood. Over Los Angeles. I had been cut off, flipped off and ripped off. In complete frustration I called Stevo and said, “I hate this city, you can never get ahead in life, everyone is always out to get you, and if you can’t do anything to advance their career, they could care less about you. How all the party conversation should go is, “Hi, what do you do? Oh, um, well, you can’t do anything to help advance me in my career so… I will go talk to someone else.” I have honestly never lived in a city where no one cares about you, where it is each and every man for themselves. I am sorry, but I can’t be friends with someone just because they are “famous.” I also don’t want a friendship that I am only invested in to achieve higher success in my career. I do however enjoy friendships where I get unexpected letters in the mail that make me smile, thank you Cait :) and…

 

I bought a Dyson.

I am moving in 20 days.

I am getting a new website.

I went blonde again.

I am attending physical therapy and my knee is getting better.