30.

I woke up on this morning, channeled Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles and studied myself in the mirror—though instead of looking for breasts, I was searching for wrinkles. I felt mildly depressed: I looked the same as when I went to bed! What was all this hype about turning 30?!

I must admit that I haven't conquered the world or made billions of dollars and impacted millions of lives through my example,  but I do have a sense of accomplishment as I write this post on my thirtieth birthday.

People always say they wished they'd accomplished more or that they were at a different place in their life when they reach certain milestone birthdays but I say with confidence that although there are many more things on my to-do list, I'm no where near ashamed or upset at where my life currently stands. Not only does today mark my physical birthday, four years ago on September 13, I made the righteous decision to make sacred covenants with my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ to join the one and only true church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

My life is no where near perfect. I am not married with a white picket fence, a dog, and three kids. I don't have my dream job. On the contrary, I find myself constantly on my knees daily as I strive to be the woman my Heavenly Father would have me be. I am constantly learning as I am shaped by the trials I am blessed to meet. Amongst all the learning and growing and undiagnosed health issues, today I find myself genuinely happy.  As I reflect upon my life thus far I know...

-What it means to be a true friend.
Listening to people is much more important than talking your head off.

-What it means to have charity and to accept people for who they are.
Judging people or looking down upon people because they are different than you is not a good way to go through this life and it definitely doesn't make you any better than them! I had a friend tell me the other day that she could tell me anything and she knew she wasn't judged. It is my desire that all who come in contact with me feel that over pouring love and support.

-That pizza is always a good option for dinner.
When in doubt, eat pizza.

-That people will let you down, even those you love the most but the Lord never will.
We are human and we are flawed, but that is perfectly ok.  I have learned that when I put my trust in the Lord first, he can mend and shape any relationship I have in my life, even when it seems impossible. If I gave up on my family when they first turned their backs with my decision to join the church, what kind of example would I have set?

-That I can run a marathon, or two, and half marathons as well.
Last year I made a New Year's resolution to run at least six half marathons, well... that didn't happen BUT I do know that I can run them because I ran two in 2011 and a marathon in 2007 and 2008.

-That what you can or can't accomplish all lies within your own confidence.
If you tell yourself you can't do something, then you won't do anything.  You have the power to do whatever you want... you are the only person stopping yourself!

-That anthropologie can make me a happy girl.
Do I really need an explanation here?

-That true, eternal love never dies.
I believe in love, true love, because I have experienced first-hand.

-That distance can't get in the way of true friendship.
My best friend Cait is in Spokane, Washington and although I do not see her nearly enough, true friendship cannot be destroyed by distance.

-That I never think I'm good enough at many things. I am my own worst critic.
I know this is something I need to work on, maybe in the next 30 years I can perfect this. I always think I can do better, I always think others are better, and I always want to be better. Although I know it is healthy to desire to be better at things, I have learned never to compare myself to others.  Everyone has weaknesses, everyone has strengths and if we all had the same strengths and weaknesses this world would be a VERY boring place.

-That traveling not only educates a person but also provides life experiences one may of not learned.
I didn't start traveling until I was 26 and I wish I started earlier. I love traveling and will never stop.

-That money does not buy happiness.
Common misconception. I could have all the money in the world but if I didn't have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior, wasn't with the love of my life, and didn't have my family, I would be miserable. Happiness to me is in the small and meaningful things.
 
-That I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I thought I knew, but I don't.

-That my brother is one of my most favorite people.
My brother inspires me.  He is a great man, a great father, and he makes me laugh.

-That it is perfectly ok to admit you don't know things.
No one expects you to know everything. Admitting you don't know things is not a bad thing. It is ok to be humble!

I am sure there are many more things I have learned throughout my time here on earth but currently, these thoughts are first and foremost on my mind. I care less about numbers of friends and more about the value of true friendships. I care less about only what's best for me and more about how I can better use my talents to help others.

Thank you for knowing me, whether it is recent or we have known each other our entire lives, you make a difference in who I am as a person! Now let's celebrate... carnival style!

Unshaken.

The other day I heard a quote from Elder F. Enzio Busche, “Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts.”

I continue to think about that quote and what it means to let questions arise, but never doubts. What is the difference between questions and doubts? When I was young I was always told I asked too many questions, however I believe that asking questions is the only way you will learn! Doubt is a sign of fear and fear and faith cannot coexist.

Jacob had an experience where a man hoped to shake him from the faith. A conversation took place that could have allowed doubt to creep into his heart, but it didn’t. Two verses help us to understand the reason why. “And he had hope to shake me from the faith, notwithstanding the many revelations and the many things which I had seen concerning these things; for I truly had seen angels, and they had ministered unto me. And also, I had heard the voice of the Lord speaking unto me in very word, from time to time; wherefore, I could not be shaken.” (Jacob 7:5)

If we expect to learn from the Lord, we have to remember the moments when we have heard the voice of the Lord. We ALL hear the voice of the Lord, it is up to us however, to identify how he speaks to us. What does the whispering of the Spirit feel like in your heart? When are the moments when you remember experiencing that whisper? Were you in a sacred place? To avoid doubt and to remain unshaken, we have to remember the moments when the Lord has spoken to us, from time to time, and to acknowledge and express gratitude for those moments and then remember what we have learned.

Listen for His voice, and let His spirit pour over you until you become unshaken.

I'll Never Forget.

Seems to be the title and most common post on Facebook today as well as on the news and quite frankly I find that these social network trends are beyond annoying. Yes, eleven years ago today many innocent people were killed in a very tragic accident but do we need to publicly tell everyone and their mother (if their mother is on Facebook) that we will never forget things? Yes, you do forget, you forget every year until that exact day when images and news reiterate what happened. So many people say that they learned courage and strength and unity and yet their posts yesterday and tomorrow will reflect vengeance and hatred towards someone that cut them off or did something ill intended. Although I do have a Facebook account and do have a blog, I don't feel I need to proclaim to 5000 friends on one specific day about how I honor those firemen and police that helped and how I remember those families that lost loved ones. How about we honor people every day of our life, seek to give joy and meaning in each day and not just one day a year?

Marriage.

My old roommate and good friend sent me this video with high recommendation. I know that it is almost an hour long but it is completely worth every minute.

Harden My Heart.

My iTunes was on shuffle and the song 'Harden My Heart," by the rock group Quarterflash (big hit in the fabulous 80's) came on. I was singing away and I stopped for a moment to think as I said the words;

I'm gonna harden my heart, I'm gonna swallow my tears...

I immediately thought back to my scripture study this morning in 3 Nephi and how they continued to harden their hearts which kept them from accepting the truth and becoming fully converted to Christ. Although the theme of the song is clearly about a breakup of some sort, when things don't tend to go the way we have planned we are always left with agency on how we respond, do we harden our hearts or do we embrace the change? When we harden our hearts we become unteachable, never to learn from our mistakes and in essence making us subject to fall into the same pathway of mistakes somewhere in our own future. I want to be as teachable as I can, I want to learn from my mistakes so that I may grow, I want to soften my heart a little each day so that I am quick to forgive, easy to teach, and slow to anger.

Wish List.

I am never easy to buy presents for.

If I want something, I usually buy it for myself and the things I don't buy for myself, are usually too expensive for someone else to buy for me.  With that being said, here is a list of my 30 year old wish list.

1. Most amazing dress ever, Size Small:
http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/clothes-new/25249780.jsp

2. Shootsac: http://shootsac.com/shootsaclensbag.aspx

3. Canon 35mm 1.4 wide angle: http://www.bhphotovideo.com/c/product/162614-USA/Canon_2512A002_Wide_Angle_EF_35mm.html

4. JCrew Café capri in Pop Art polka dot- Petite Size 4: http://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/pants/cafecapri/PRDOVR~76958/76958.jsp

5. DV by Dolce Vita: Size 6.5: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006VM2CKM/ref=s9_simh_gw_p309_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=09R89E7RS8AGBDMEFBKC&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=1389517282&pf_rd_i=507846

and that is all I can think of for now.
The one thing I REALLY want can't be bought with money.

Yes.

I love this song. I love this rendition. You should love it to.

Questions.

It's times like these that I wish I had a father or a husband that I could turn to for spiritual guidance.  This weekend one of my friends, who is a Jehovah Witness, her husband posed some questions to me. Not that I doubt or would change my faith but he posed questions which made me think.  He asked what God's name was.  Now if you asked me I would say that the earth was created by three personages, Elohim (God), Jehovah (Jesus), and Michael (the archangel who later is Adam).  But he told me that Elohim is plural for Gods, that which I knew but while reading Bruce R. McConkie's, The Mormon Doctrine, he states that when referred to Elohim as a person it means the God of all God's, the Almighty God. I guess my question that I pose to others out there that may read this is, if Jehovah is Jesus, why in Moses is Jehovah referencing God, is it because Jesus is the God of Israel?

Also- he asked why Mormons participate in politics and fight in wars.  He stated that Jehovah Witnesses stay neutral so that they don't fight amongst their members. I know that the LDS are neutral as a church but encouraged to participate in politics. Her husband mentioned something about how Jesus stated we shouldn't be involved in politics, (I am not sure where that is at, but the question was posed and I don't know the answer).

He went on to ask me about the military because JW's don't participate in the military either.  He said what if we had a war with Sweden and in Sweden there were a bunch of members, we would then be fighting against members of our own faith.

All logical questions and I will continue to study them on my own, I just wanted to ask for advice for any of you smart people out there.

September.

I have high hopes for you mighty September! August was definitely not my favorite month, especially the week of the 21st when my car was keyed by a shopping cart, I got a $68.00 parking ticket, and found out I owed $639.00 for a $15 fix-it-ticket I forgot to take care of on time (all in the span of 3 days). Most people would have thrown in the towel and as tempting as it would have been I thought to myself, "bring on these trials!"

September on the other hand, I feel we are going to get along very well and you are starting with a four day weekend! Today I started out my morning with a massage, it was 60 minutes of pure bliss and then went to the Huntington Library in Pasadena and the gardens were absolutely beautiful. I rarely find gardens as serene as those in Europe but this one was a close second! Next weekend I am shooting a wedding, the 13th I turn the big three oh (frightening), and my birthday party is on the 15th... carnival style.

I have to say, I thought I would be in a much different place at thirty years old, I think everyone feels that way when they reach a milestone birthday. I cannot say I regret the way my journey has taken me it was just perhaps not the exact path I would have chosen for myself. I bought a book today and I am going to start it on my birthday. It is called, One Good Deed a Day. Each day has a deed, for example, "Forgive someone, Volunteer, Return all of the items you take into the dressing room to their original spots instead of leaving them in the dressing room." I plan on making a commitment to do one good deed a day (at least) throughout this next year and who knows, perhaps one of my good deeds will be just for you :)

Blessings.

I get emailed these little daily gems every now and then, depending on whether or not the automatic system decides to email me, and today there were a multitude of snippets from different church talks that really hit home.  One in particular is a talked called, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come," by Elder Holland.

My declaration is that this is precisely what the gospel of Jesus Christ offers us, especially in times of need. There is help. There is happiness. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. It is the Light of the World, the Bright and Morning Star, the “light that is endless, that can never be darkened.” ³ It is the very Son of God Himself. In loving praise far beyond Romeo’s reach, we say, “What light through yonder window breaks?” It is the return of hope, and Jesus is the Sun. ⁴ To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His “more excellent ministry” with a future of “better promises.” He is your “high priest of good things to come.”

To say I have had a lot on my mind lately would be an understatement and although I do not understand much within this life, I do have faith in the Lord that He does know the plan. There is no better way than to feel the love of the Lord than when you are on your knees praying and in the temple.  There is a peace that I cannot put to words when I am in the temple. Amongst all the chaos, questions, and doubts that I have, within the walls of the temple I find an indescribable peace. 

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."

Everything happens when it is supposed to happen. Granted yes, we do have agency, but rest assured, the Lord will never lead you astray when you are seeking him and standing in holy places.  All promised blessings will come to you in his timing. 

Say No to Sugar!

I did a photo shoot last weekend of a little girl that was supposed to have a "cake smash," wherein she would go to town on a cake and those were her 1st birthday photos! Contrary to what any normal human would think, she was NOT a fan of sugar. I on the other hand am a huge fan of sugar, licorice, chocolate, sprinkles, you name it! Over the past two months I have been dealing with some stomach issues which have caused me to refine my food choices and frankly it's been a mess.  As healthy as it is, I know, pizza is my favorite! My stomach on the other hand has suddenly decided it is NOT it's favorite.  I continue to be left without answers regarding my situation and my stomach (after an endoscopy, CT scan, two hour breath test, and antibiotics). I started acupuncture this week in hopes that perhaps Eastern medicine may have a solution for me.  At any rate, the ONE food that I am completely not allowed to have, sugar.

I have tried to rebel.

I have tried to just eat a little bit.

However, I have come to the realization that sugar and me are just not friends like we used to be and I can't take the constant pains and unhappiness I am left with. SO, I have decided to be obedient! This will be hard since my birthday is in 13 days...heaven help me.

Mold Me.

I decided this week to make a promise to the Lord to read my scriptures, daily.  I am in turn given the promise that through my daily pondering of the scriptures, understanding and enlightenment will be given unto me. Something so simple that I tend to have let the busyness of the world get away with me and I have neglected my scriptures, at least a continual pondering of them. I thought my calling as Gospel Doctrine Teacher last year would have whipped me in shape, then perhaps my calling as Relief Society president, it wasn't until I was faced with a heavy heart and some in-depth questions that I opened my eyes and truly recognized the importance of upholding my end of the bargain, to read my scriptures! It's like a diet, the only person you are letting down when you cheat, is yourself.

I have also been praying for charity lately, and to be able to see others through the eyes of the Lord, something I constantly struggle with. I remember even prior to becoming a member I would listen to a talk or hear a scripture and think, "Oh that would be really good for so and so." It makes me laugh because we all know that when you divert the attention from yourself to another person, YOU are the actual person that needs the advice or counsel.

This morning while reading a talk I came across this statement: "The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others--not the other way around! The imperfections of others never release us from the need to work on our own shortcomings." 

I have a lot of shortcomings, many I am well aware of and others I have no doubt the Lord will make me aware of :) We tend to always ask for blessings or pray for things but neglect to refine ourselves. For example, "Lord I want to get married, bring me a husband." Rather than saying, "Lord, prepare me to be the person I need to be in order to have a worthy husband." I have found myself on my knees more recently than any time in my life, not only praying to the Lord but sitting in silence and listening to the Lord. Praying that he would mold and shape me into the person that not I want to be, but the person that He would have me be.

If only we spent as much time working on ourselves as we did focusing on the faults and shortcomings of others, we would allow the Lord to work in our lives, to make our weak things become strong. NEWSFLASH: We ALL have shortcomings, whether we choose to accept this fact or not is our own agency and free will.

Do You Ever Wish You Weren't Mormon?

Immediately as I sat down at work today a co-worker asked if I had seen the Piers Morgan's interview with Mitt Romey's five sons last night. I stated I didn't have a T.V. thinking it would end the conversation however she continued on to tell me about the interview.  Not that I didn't want to talk about the church, I just wasn't in the mood to have a debate regarding my faith. When it comes to religion, especially my faith and being a Latter-Day Saint, I have learned that quite possibly anything could come out of a person's mouth and due to Mitt, there has been a lot of talk regarding the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. She continued to tell a story, about how Piers said, "Well, all of you are good looking strapping young men, who don't drink, do drugs, or have premarital sex... have you ever wished you weren't Mormon?"

One brother pipped up and said, "It's working for us thus far."

This question made me think of the numerous times people have asked me why I joined the church; Was it for someone? Did something bad happen in my life that made me join? etc. I will be the first to admit that life is nothing short of easy, in fact, it is constant battles as we continue to grow and progress throughout this life, trying to become what the Lord has in store for us, however, no battle or trial has made me question, "maybe I shouldn't be a member of this church anymore."  I would go on to state that since my membership in the church my relationship with my Heavenly Father has developed immensely and in turn has strengthened me during the trials and battles that we all are promised to face.

I am human, I stumble, we all stumble, but I have never wished for a even a split second that I was not Mormon.

Living IN the Great and Spacious Building.

I have read 1 Nephi more than any other book within the Book of Mormon, in fact, I would go on to state that a majority of Latter-Day Saints have read this chapter more than any other as they continually quest to read the Book of Mormon from start to finish and somewhere around the way they lose track of their goal.  I have been guilty of this every time I think I am going to read from beginning to end. While reading through it again, I became fixated on the great and spacious building and how anyone that reads this immediately thinks, "I am not IN the great and spacious building... that is everyone else."  Then I read this quote by Elder Boyd K. Packer:

In 1 Nephi 8, read about Lehi’s dream.
You may think that Lehi’s dream or vision has no special meaning for you, but it does. You are in it; all of us are in it.Lehi’s dream or vision of the iron rod has in it everything a Latter-day Saint needs to understand the test of life. Read the dream or vision carefully; then read it again. If you hold to the rod, you can feel your way forward with the gift of the Holy Ghost, conferred upon you at the time you were confirmed a member of the Church. The Holy Ghost will comfort you. You will be able to feel the influence of angels, as Nephi did, and feel your way through life.

The Book of Mormon has been my iron rod. Lehi saw great multitudes of people “pressing forward” toward the tree (1 Nephi 8:21).

The great and spacious building “was filled with people, both old and young, both male and female; and their manner of dress was exceedingly fine; and they were in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers towards those who had come at and were partaking of the fruit” (1 Nephi 8:27).

One word in this dream or vision should have special meaning to Latter-day Saints. The word is after. It was after the people had found the tree that they became ashamed, and because of the mockery of the world they fell away.

“And after they had tasted of the fruit they were ashamed, because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost. …

“And great was the multitude that did enter into that strange building. And after they did enter into that building they did point the finger of scorn at me and those that were partaking of the fruit also.” That was the test; then Lehi said, “But we heeded them not” (1 Nephi 8:28, 33; emphasis added).

And that was the answer.

…instead of looking over into that spacious building, we are, in effect, living inside of it. That is your fate in this generation. You are living in that great and spacious building.

Dress modestly, attend your meetings, pay tithes, take the sacrament, honor the priesthood, read the scriptures, study the Book of Mormon, and pray—always pray. An unseen power will hold your hand as you hold to the iron rod.

Will this solve all your problems? Of course not! That would be contrary to the purpose of your coming into mortality. It will, however, give you a solid foundation on which to build your life (see Helaman 5:12).

The mist of darkness will cover you at times so much that you will not be able to see your way even a short distance ahead. You will not be able to see clearly. But with the gift of the Holy Ghost, you can feel your way ahead through life. Grasp the iron rod, and do not let go. (See 3 Nephi 18:25; D&C 9:8.)

You may think that Lehi’s dream or vision has no special meaning for you, but it does. You are in it; all of us are in it.

(Elder Boyd K. Packer, Finding Ourselves in Lehi’s Dream)

I want to always remember that an apostle of the Lord has counseled that the fate of this generation is to live inside the great and spacious building.

Inside.

This knowledge reminds me of the great importance of continually pressing forward toward the tree. In Lehi’s dream there is a principle to watch for. For every tactic of the adversary there is an equal answer from the Lord. Next to the river there is a path. Through the mist there is a rod of iron. Instead of the building there is the tree of life.

We have a choice. The river, the mist, and the building, or the path, the rod, and the tree. 

There IS a Plan.

I am thoroughly convinced that we go through different trials in life to refine and shape us into the person that the Lord has intended us to be. There is always two ways to handle any trial or obstacle we are faced, head on, or try and find a way out of dealing with things and in turn, find yourself in similar situations throughout your life. I will be the first to admit that I have been subject to both approaches and as enticing as the latter choice may be, we all know it is best to face our challenges head on, make necessary changes, and grow. The only way we ever spiritually progress and grow in this life is by making changes.

I have been faced with some tender moments lately, moments where I have been on my knees and in the temple seeking revelation and I know that the Lord does communicate to his children, the Lord does love each and every one of us, and he wants us to find peace and joy. In the midst of trials we may not necessarily see anything but the storm, but Heavenly Father has a plan, an eternal plan, and as we prepare ourselves now we will be ready and capable of taking on the storms of life.